Enough is Enough...

The Duggars. I'm sure you've heard that name before. If not, let me fill you in. They got a reality TV show called "17 and counting." Now they're up to 19. That's not all.... THEY WANT ANOTHER!! This is wrong for MANY reasons!

Number ONE
They already have 19. Should I have to say any more???

Number TWO
She is 43. Not that age should be a big deal, but there are already signs that her body has had enough. The last baby, baby 19, was born 3 months premature. Why? Because Mommy Dearest Duggar had pre-eclampsia! The poor child spent the first six months of her life in a hospital with many life threatening issues including a perforated bowel. Which brings me to:

Number THREE
It's not fair to the children that you're bringing into this world if they're going to have a life full of medical issues because of your selfishness.

Am I being harsh? Probably, but I don't care!! I'm all for family values and seeing children as God's blessing, but there has got to come a point when you decide that enough is enough and you start taking into consideration the health of yourself and your children. Personally, I think this has become more of a selfishness issue than anything else. They've made money off of their situation and we all know that they'll make more the more children they have. Why the heck do you think "and counting" is at the end of their show title? I think it's sick and shameful. Take care of your children and get off TV and out of the magazines. Think about the health and lives of those children rather than the green you may see. Yes, God wants us to bring life into this world, but at the same time, he created the human that created birth control...See THAT as one of His many wonderful blessings as well!!

Love...

What is love??

Everyone has their own idea of what love is. For a few, it's a feeling in the pit of their stomach, the ache to be near. For some, love is knowing that you can trust and rely on that person 100%. And for others love comes with the knowledge that you want that person in your life, regardless of the ups and downs that may come your way. It can pop into your life without warning or slowing build it's way into your heart. Sometimes, it even lies dormant until you decide to acknowlege it. When it does come into your life though, it changes you. It makes you a little stronger.

So many of the fairy tales out there are about finding love in a man. These girls go through many struggles, but then a man appears. Once that man comes into their life everything becomes perfect and they live "happily ever after." Movies even try to convince us that the best love is found in someone that you can spend your nights with, they seem to eqivalate good sex with love. Both the fairy tales and the movie industry have missed the boat when it comes to love. They're missing the big picture.

For years, I've wanted (and still want) a strong relationship with a man. I want to "fall in love." I want to feel like I'm worth coming home to, and I want someone to come home to. I've always thought that real love comes when you meet "the right one" and finding him would be the best dream come true. Just like the movies and fairytales, I've missed the big picture. I've been so worried about finding the "right one" that I haven't spent enough time focusing on the love already in my life.

I have parents that would take the world on their back to see me happy and protected. I have friends that sit and listen to my insane rants about life and love and how miserable it can be sometimes. I have friends that look at me and in that single instant know if it's a good or bad day. They know my heart, they know my dreams, and sometimes, without telling them, they know my feelings. I have people all around me that LOVE me. And I do in fact love them. Most I would be willing to lay my life down for. I would do everything in my power to make sure they are taken care of, even if it means sacrificing some of my own pleasures. The ones I'm talking about, the ones closest to me, I can trust with my heart, my life, my tears. I know their intentions are not to harm me. Most of all, I've experience a true God that hears my cries and comforts me through it all. He doesn't judge the way I look or the imperfections that taunt me. He loves me. They love me. Clear and simple. Despite all of this, I search and I long for the one "right" love that will make my "dreams come true," rather than looking in front of me and seeing the love that's already there. The love that will always be there. Sometimes, I take their love for granted. I may never find the love that every girl dreams about, but I can hold strong in the knowledge that I'm loved. If a man shows up that can love me the same way my family and closest friends do, I will accept him with open arms, but if it never comes, I will remember that I still have love. From my God, my family and my friends. I have love.

Buh-Bye Facebook...

I took a big step on Monday and deactivated my Facebook account. It's only been two days and I'm having "withdrawls." I knew Facebook consumed a large amount of my time, but I didn't realize HOW addicted to it I was. Even as I type this, I want to sign in and just pick up where I left off, but I'm determined to use self control and dicipline. I'm sure the urge to sign in will subside once I've been away from it for awhile, but right now it's just so strong.

I told my friends and family that while I'm away from it, I will use the new "free time" on my daily devotions and prayer. I guess that means it's time to shut down the computer and do just that.

Am I ever going to get it right? Will the well of insecurities ever run dry? For my heart's sake, I'd sure like to know....

Dear Heart, Sometimes I Hate You....

I'm beginning to think I should change the description of my blog to "A journey through the boy drama of a twenty-something." It seems like that's the only semi-interesting thing I've had to write about lately. And here I go again (insert eye-rolling)...

1 year ago: Met boy. Enjoyed boy's company. After a couple weeks, went on date w/ boy. After date, told said boy that I liked him and would love to get to know him better. Boy agreed. Boy then left for another country. Boy did not follow through. Girl later finds out that boy started seeing another girl. After everything is said and done, girl #1 ended up with a broken heart. (Just so ya know, the details are a lot more intricate than what I'm giving you, but for the sake of your sanity, I'll spare you...)

6 months ago: Boy comes home from foreign country. Girl sees him and heart aches (Yes, literally.) Girl knows he's seeing someone else. Girl tells herself to accept it and move on (and finds all sort of reasons why he's not 'right' for her). Girl accepts and moves on.

2 days ago: Or so she thinks....

I saw him again and that same ache came back. The convincing didn't work: I still have feelings for him, which brought me to today's post. For once, I'd love to convince myself of something and have my heart follow suit. I personally think it's a brilliant idea, but for now my heart disagrees.
I know these feelings will eventually go away (even if I never get answers), but I'd prefer the 'eventually' to become more immediate. Then maybe I'd be able to have a real conversation with him without feeling like I'm going to burst...I'd be able to be myself 100%. Any ideas on how to speed up the process??

Another brilliant idea: maybe I should move to a foreign country, then I can avoid this whole situation all together. Not a likely plan, but brilliant (to me).

The Sweetest Thing...

Sometimes, the sweetest things happen at just the right moment; just when you need it the most.
I have a friend that runs an AFS (adult foster care) and I am there atleast once a week. I've slowly started to get to know the clients, but a couple weeks ago they got a new client and I haven't really had a chance to get to know him yet. One thing I DO know about him though, he LOVES to color pictures. On Sunday my friend told me at church that she had a picture for me in the truck. It turns out, he colored a picture for ME and asked her to give it to me.
After the week I had, I considered this a little ray of sunshine. It definitely brought a smile to my face. Someone that has only met me once displayed a simple kindness through his picture. It really brightened my day.
It just goes to show that no matter how bad the day (or week, or month, or year) is, God will always bring little blessings into our life. It's our responsibility to start counting them. I'm definitely going to work on being more aware of mine. =)

A Piece of my Heart.

When all you want to do is cry, you take another step forward. You rely on the strength of God to get you to tomorrow.
When you think your heart can't take anymore, you press on. Believing that one day it will be worth the pain.
We can't predict the future and we can't prevent any pain, but we can continue to pray, and He'll get us through another day.

Slowly, that's something I'm learning. I'm experiencing a hurt that I've never experienced before. Sure, I've experienced "heartbreak" and disappointment before, but this....this is something I've brought to myself. I've allowed my heart to go further than what I knew was right. I allowed myself to hope for more than I knew one could give. I made a promise to be his friend, and I lost the main focus along the way.
I got lost in the way he made me laugh and the way we could talk. I got lost in the way he made me feel when he'd show up to say hi or send me a quick text asking how my day went. I got caught up and let my guard down and my heart got swooped up. My mom told me that the flesh is weak, but she didn't mean in a physical/body way. She just meant that the heart tends to give in, even though it's not right, when it finds something that it has desired for a long time. It aquires feelings that shouldn't be there and that's when we get ourselves in trouble. That's when we get hurt.
Going into said friendship, I thought there was an interest in me. Turns out he just wanted to be friends. I was disappointed, but I was also cool with that. Then I find out he's atheist, which is completely opposite of everything I believe. Red flags go up and my logic says "NO!" So I told myself over and over that this was just going to be a friendship. It had to be. There was no way I would have feelings for him. I was sure I was brought into his life for particular reason, so I accepted this friendship and continued on. Then he did what no guy has ever really done. He made me feel special. He was honest with me. He was himself. He made me laugh til I was in stitches. None of this was him putting on an act...and my flesh broke. I started having feelings for him. I foolishly started hoping that there would be this "Gotchya!" moment with the whole atheism thing. Where he'd come out and say "Haha! Just jokin!," but in my heart of hearts, I knew it wouldn't happen.
What did I do next? I pushed on...I continued in this friendship, never uttering a word of my feelings, but the moment I get the text that he's hanging out with a new girl, I crumble. What else did I expect?
I spent three days crying, trying to forget that I did this to myself. I wanted to burst, I wanted to scream, and I wanted to spill it to SOMEONE...but I couldn't. I had no one that I felt safe enough with. So I took a drive on the third day and I ended up at this beautiful dam. The sun was shining and all I could hear was the rush of the water. I found a bench and I pulled out my journal. For two hours I cried, I wept, I wrote and I prayed. I prayed. I prayed. During this time, I realized that the entire time I let this tear me apart, my best friend was patiently waiting for me to come to HIM. I finally did. My prayers went up. My prayers, my cries, and my pain. They were heard. I don't know what His answer will be, but I'm willing to wait for it. I just wished I would have gone to Him first. When I left the dam, I had this great peace and it's something I'm trying to maintain everyday. Only through my prayers will it continue though. I know that now.

These last couple months I've been thinking that I was brought into this guy's life to help him in some way, which still might be the case, but more importantly, this guy was brought into my life to help change ME. To make me aware of some things that I've been too "blind" to pay attention to. God's not done. I'm not done. I will just go back into this a little more cautiously and a LOT more guarded.
It still hurts a little when he talks about her, but I can't blame him. He knew nothing about my feelings and we were both supposed to be under the impression that this would only ever be a friendship, but I can honestly say that I didn't hold up my end and I've learned my lesson. I won't stop being his friend. Genuine friend. I will continue to pray for strength. I will continue to pray for wisdom, and I will continue daily communication with my best friend. No matter how trivial or embarrassing it seems to be.
One thing I've learned so far...It's best to start with Him than wait til things get out of control....

What If I'm doing it Wrong...

So, I've started talking to this guy. Funny guy he is, and I really enjoy talking to him, but there are times (like right now) that I wonder if I'm doing it wrong. I know that probably sounds totally weird, but that's what's going through my mind. Right now I'm just trying to view it as a new friendship and nothing more, but I still worry that I'm going about it all wrong. It's been a long time since I've made "new" friends that I didn't see on a daily basis, let alone talk to on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at making friends and maintaining those friendships, but at the same time, most of those friendships don't consist of texts. There's actually one-on-one human time involved. So with this whole text thing, I worry... Am I asking too much? Am I not saying enough? Am I supposed to let him ask me questions or just offer up information about myself? Does it make me an absolutely absurd 24-year-old for not knowing the answer to these things? I feel like a child again...
I've made a promise to myself (and told a few important people in my life) that I'm not going to get ahead of myself on this one. I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm gonna take it one day at a time and get to know him. Build a friendship, 'cuz honestly, I don't know if I'm ready for anything else right now in my life. With that said, I still don't want to run him off because I appear to be a babbling idiot that has no clue as to what she's doing....

Again with the Trusting...

I feel like there's a big black cloud above my head. As I sit and wait to hear on the future of my unemployment there's this anxiety rising up inside me. I'm going through all of the scenarios of what will happen if I lose it (my unemployment, not my sanity) and it scares me. I have been filling out applications and trying to find a SECOND part time job (because I've had no luck finding full-time employment) just in case something happens, but I've had no luck snagging one yet. I've got two weeks before I know for sure if I continue receiving it or not. While there are moments (many, many moments) that I want to scream and cry and get angry, I'm trying my best not to (kind of failing on the crying part). I have been learning more and more to trust God and this is a scenario where I have to do it again. I don't know what'll happen if I lose my unemployment. I don't know what God has lined up for me and yet I keep trusting. It's hard for me. It's scary, but when the world around me seems to be falling apart, the only thing I have left is to trust Him. I'll do what I can, I put as much effort into it as possible, but after that, I have to trust that God is going to use my work and fulfill his purpose for me. And even though I know he's not going to let me "drown," there are times when I feel like I will. I'm just looking forward to having this big black cloud gone. Gone so I can, once again, live my life without the fear of what tomorrow will bring. Without the anxiety and tears. Until then, all I can do is trust. And trust some more.

The Note You'll Never Read...

To You (you know who you are),
I know I'm imperfect; I've never tried to hide my flaws from anybody. I know I do things you don't like, but that doesn't determine who I am as a person. Stop making me feel that way. I'm trying hard to change - to be better, but I don't think you'll ever take notice. There's always another thing, another flaw. Either I'm doing something wrong, or it's not in the time frame you wanted. I know I'm a burden to you, and if not, you sure make me feel like I am. I just wish things were different. I wish I could look you in the eye and respect you like I should, but it's so hard when I feel like this. When YOU make me feel like this. There's not much more I can do, and not much more I can say, I think it'll always be this way. I'm just counting the days til I can get out, but I don't know how much more I can take...I will continue to pray. Whether you change or not, I am determined to be the better person. I am determined to change what I can about myself. As a wise woman once told ME - "I am not the equivalent of my flaws" the same holds true for me. I just wish you knew me enough to see that. Someday....Maybe. I hope.
Sincerely,
The girl I wish you knew better.