Lighter

I can honestly say...I haven't felt this "light" in a long long time. I don't know if I even remember the last time I felt like this, and I don't mean light as in weight, I mean light as in "less burden." Over the course of 14 years, my life has been somewhat of a mess. With things from my past weighing heavily on my shoulders, I turned "ways out" other than Christ. Without getting some professional help. Over the course of those same 14 years, I tried to cover my issues with other things, which caused more harm than good, weighing me down even more. Well, just recently- I've finally fully addressed those issues; that issue. I started seeing a Christian counselor about 3 weeks ago, and even though we're only into our 3rd week, I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I was getting to the point where I didn't enjoy my job, I wasn't too interested in hanging out with my friends, I just kind of wanted to go home after work and do nothing. But now, I beginnning to enjoy my job again, I spend a little more time with my friends, and well...I have to admit, there are still days that I'd just rather go home after work and do nothing. :P I know this is just the beginning of my journey to health, but if I can feel like this after only 3 weeks, imagine what I'll feel like when I'm done. I never knew HOW weighed down I was until now. I knew I buried it, and there was always a reminder of what my life had become, but I didn't realize that the pain acutally, pretty much, controlled my life and my emotions. I feel a little more free now. As always, I still have my days (especially the day after my sessions) that I just feel low and down and all I want to do is cry...but I'm beginning to see more days where I find it okay to laugh, okay to just be... okay.... I don't know why I'm even saying all of this...I just wanted to share it, if for no other reason that to just re-read it myself and know that there will be a day where I can breath again...without feeling like I'm going to crack under all the pressure.

Will we still bless His name??

Life throws us stuff that we don't necessarily want thrown our way. Stuff that hurts, makes us angry, or saddens us. As human we always ask God why?? I know I went through my bout of that. I got angry with him, I didn't understand why such a loving God would do "this" to me... I stopped going to church, praying, reading my Bible and I started looking elsewhere for satisfaction. I needed something that wouldn't hurt me, something that I could rely on. I started looking to the world for that satisfaction, and not to my surprise, I didn't find it...infact, it caused me to find Christ again. I've posted earlier that I've given over control, and I'm working hard to keep it that way, and when I least expect it, a blow comes my way... I know this is God's way of testing me. This blow is definitely something I can recover from and it isn't so much the situation itself as it is all the stuff it brings to the surface. I could throw myself back into that pit again and just alienate God, but I don't want to. I will continue to praise him. And that's my question for you; when you're handed the tough stuff- will cave in and just give up or will you continue to bless His name. Just as Jeremiah 29:11 says: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We've just got to remember that. Even when it feels like the world is crashing in, when it feels like your heart can't break any more, when it feels like one more day is almost too much to bear, there is a God that is looking out for us. He wants to see us happy, but we must grow first and in order to do that, the world has to crash in on us, our hearts have to break over and over- but it's our part to continue praising him; thanking him for the love he shows us each and every day. I don't know about you, but I know that even through it all, I will continue to bless His name.

Contentment in Christ

Now, I'm not going to claim that my life is perfect and that everyday is a happy one, but I will say that I have finally found contentment. After a couple years (which is just minutes compared to other's lives) of being lost and confused; unsure and angry- I have finally found my way back. I'm finally at the point in my life where I'm okay if it stays the way it is. I stay busy, I have a few great, close friends, a supportive family, and a God that has my back and my heart. I've struggled in the past with lonliness. I've just wanted to find someone to share my days with. That someone has come into my life, but he's not tangible. I can't touch him, I can't see him, but I definitely feel him, and I talk to him. I may not get the answers I necessarily want, but I just keep trusting that he knows my heart better than anyone else ever could. If He doesn't bring a man into my life- I think I can handle that. Would it be nice? Absolutely, but I'm no longer hanging my happiness on that. I still struggle, I still question, but now I have more of a comfort that, no matter how much I question or stuggle, will get me through each day. People always say that you won't find contentment until you turn your life over to Christ 100%. How true that statement that is. You can't just give him a little piece here, and a little piece there- you have to turn it all over. It's not necessarily an easy thing to do. I know it isn't easy for me. I like having control of my life...and there are definitely days that I want to take it back, but I don't. I have given up control and in turn I have found contentment in Christ.

I Can Relate...

A month or so ago, I prebought the new Barlow Girl CD. I picked it up today on my lunch, and by the end of the second song, I was about in tears. With everything that happened in my life over the past few years, I started slipping away from Christ. While everything is not yet back to the way it should be, I've come a long way and the following lyrics from their new CD really describe where I'm at right now....

I Believe in Love

How long will my prayers seem unanswered

Is there still faith in me to reach the end

I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith

But giving up would cost me everything

So I'll stand in the pain and the slience

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I. I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending

That doesn't mean the dark night has no end

It's only here that I find faith

And learn to trust the one who writes my days

So I'll stand in the pain and the silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when he is not silent

And I. I believe

No dark can consume Light

No death greater than this life

We are not forgotten

Hope is found when we say

Even when he is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when i don't feel it

And I believe in God even when he is silent

And I. I Believe.

A Step Inside...

With a particular conversation rolling around in my head, I've been doing some thinking, some questioning, and some digging....all within myself. This conversation has to do with a friend of mine admitting to liking me, and telling me that he believes we're going to be married in 2009. When he first told me- I laughed. I was caught off guard, I didn't know how else to respond. Then he told me he was serious. It made for an awkward conversation after that. Ever since then I've been trying to figure out if there's anything in my heart towards him, more than just friends. I'm yet to figure that out. I do know that I don't want to lose him. He is one of the greatest friends I have. He's the only guy I can talk to without feeling weird around, I can pretty much tell him everything, and he's always a good comfort when I'm down, but does that mean I have feelings for him? I don't know. I sent him a note telling him my thoughts....I know, it's not something that should be done via email, but when my call goes unanswered and I need to talk to him...it was what I had to do. Well-from the looks of it, it was probably the worst thing I could have done. I'm yet to hear back from him; which is really unusual considering I sent it to him last night and he's never one to take his time responding. Now all I'm doing is worrying myself sick that I've lost my best friend because of my stupidity. He makes himself vulnerable and I laugh...

In all of this "digging" I've also begun to wonder if I even want someone. I know- I'm always talking about wanting to get married and share my life with someone, but then I'm faced with just a possibility of a relationship and I start getting all freaked out and whatnot. Blame it on my insecurities, or fear, or whatever. All I know is that when I'm single- I can be myself, without having to impress someone; I don't have to be vulnerable; and I don't have to open myself up heartbreak. In a big way I fear that I won't meet their expectations in a relationship. My life has flaws; flaws that are many times the curse of my life and I fear that those flaws will eventually turn them away and in turn; heartbreak. I struggle with insecurity day in and day out. Some days are better than others...this has been my life since my adolescence. I also question whether someone really can like me. I have a great personality...I've been told that, but I've also been given many reasons why someone won't date me. After a "lifetime" of just hearing what's wrong with me, it's hard to find the confidence to believe someone when they say that the do like me.

I just wish I could have my best friend back. Take away the conversation, the email, the everything and just have him back...but that's not possible, and now I have to wait on response and if none comes, I'll have to learn how to accept that and find a way to move on; even though it's not something I really want to do.

Great Quote

Last night, while waiting for my laundry to finish I watched the movie "Akeelah and the Bee." It's about a brilliant younger girl from a poor Los Angeles School that enters the spelling bee. It's about her journey of dicovering who she is, healing from her past, and well...winning a spelling bee. In this movie- her spelling coach tells her to read a quote he has framed on his wall...The movie left part of it out, but I'm posting the full quote. After reading it several times, I've realized that it has truth to it, so read it yourself, and let me know your thoughts.


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson

Can someone explain this??

I don't know how many of you watch the news or read a newspaper, but this morning, I learned that they found the body of that missing, pregnant Ohio woman. Her boyfriend is being charged with two murders. One for the woman, the second for her unborn baby. Now the same sort of thing happened with Scott Peterson. He was charged with two murders, but can you explain something for me? How is it that these two men are charged with "murder of an unborn child" and yet abortionists are still allowed to operate? Should it be even across the board? If one man is charged, shouldn't they all be? In both scenarios, an innocent life is being taken- shouldn't the same justice be served??

Welcome to my mind....

Hello to all who read this- I've started this blog because throughout the typical day I have things that go on in my mind, and no way to release them. This is my release. My topics range from things emotional, to things political, to things that just don't make sense. I just write what's going on in my mind. By reading my posts, you are entering into a part of my world; a part of my mind not seen by many. So, as you journey on...enjoy!