Well, what can I say? Life takes turns and curves and all sorts of crazy paths and some things get lost in the shuffle. For me, my blog was it. I won't promise consistent posting (hoping that people still read these things), but I will promise to post MORE consistently than I have been.
I know when I last posted, I was working out and posting my progress and so forth. You'll be proud to know that I didn't stop because I stopped working out. I stopped because life happened. My life got very busy. Between the two jobs and working out, losing a loved one, and losing a friendship, the last thing on my mind was to go post something. Every time I saw progress in the mirror, my mind toyed with the idea of posting, and then life took over again. Since my last post in March, I managed to drop about 25 pounds and run (mostly run) my first 5K. I felt a great deal of accomplishment when I crossed that finish line and I had my family there cheering me on, supporting my every step! Soon after my race though, I started feeling extremely discouraged. I was still hitting the gym, but I just wasn't seeing anything and the people that had started out as my main "accountability" dropped out for one reason or another. I'll be honest, self motivation has never been my greatest strength. The thing that really kept me going was the feeling I got; the peace and quiet it brought to my noisy and often crazy life. Also, I still had one person going and cheering me on because he was proud of the accomplishments I was making. Then, in September, he left for basic training and I officially felt less motivated. I would go sporadically a couple times a week, but nothing like I was doing before. With time, both jobs started picking up and I began feeling the effects of exhaustion. The last thing I wanted to do was drag my tired rear end to the gym for a half hour, let alone a full hour (or more). By the time November rolled around, I had made it to the gym 3 times. By the time December hit, not a single time. I miss it. I'm not just saying that...I truly miss it. I tell myself every week, "this is the week I will go. This is the week that I will restart the lifestyle that I enjoy," but it hasn't happened yet. I know it shouldn't be an excuse (especially since it needs to be a lifestyle change and not just a "diet" type thing) but after working both jobs, I have almost nothing left in me. I am continually exhausted. I keep saying that it will pay off in the end, but right now that end seems so far off and as each day passes, I get more and more tired. With that said, as each day passes, I get more and more disappointed in what I see in the mirror. I am a beautiful woman and God gave me curves in all the right places, but I am not where I want to be. I've got so many insecurities that are so tightly intertwined with my body size that the only way for me to FEEL 100% okay with the way I look is to see a drop in size. I may know I'm beautiful in my mind, and I may see it in my heart and in my face, but when I look at my body, I don't see beauty and I don't feel beautiful, I see imperfection. I don't want to drop in size because society tells me I need to. I want to drop in size because I tell me I need to. I admire those full figured women that embrace their bodies and yell from the mountaintops, "LOVE YOUR BODY!! BIG AND BEAUTIFUL!!" but I am not one of those girls. Do I believe you should love your body? Absolutely! I also believe that only you (or I) know where your body needs to be to love it. It was only 25 pounds for me, but when I was down those 25, I could see enough difference that I truthfully embraced my body. I will never be skinny (I inherited the wrong genes for that), nor do I ever really want to be. However, I want to be healthy. Not only in body, but in mind. I want to look in the mirror and love every inch and curve of what I see. I want to like a guy and not wonder if he's "too small" for me. I want to go on a date and not wonder if he's criticizing my size in his mind. Maybe it's all wishful thinking. Maybe because I'm a girl, I'll always have these thoughts and questions and insecurities. Or maybe...just maybe, if I put enough hard work into it, the difference I see will allow me to ignore all of those stupid little devils picking at my brain. This is not my "New Year's Resolution," because we all know the success rate of a that! This is my New Me Resolution. I have to step up and say no to those that are holding me back. Call me selfish, but I can't put myself on the back burner in order to please those around me. If me going to the gym means I miss a TV show with a friend or gab fest with a roommate, then so be it. My life won't be crazy busy forever, but while it is...I have to make sacrifices in order to get "me" time. This is how I'm doing it.
No comments:
Post a Comment