A Piece of my Heart.

When all you want to do is cry, you take another step forward. You rely on the strength of God to get you to tomorrow.
When you think your heart can't take anymore, you press on. Believing that one day it will be worth the pain.
We can't predict the future and we can't prevent any pain, but we can continue to pray, and He'll get us through another day.

Slowly, that's something I'm learning. I'm experiencing a hurt that I've never experienced before. Sure, I've experienced "heartbreak" and disappointment before, but this....this is something I've brought to myself. I've allowed my heart to go further than what I knew was right. I allowed myself to hope for more than I knew one could give. I made a promise to be his friend, and I lost the main focus along the way.
I got lost in the way he made me laugh and the way we could talk. I got lost in the way he made me feel when he'd show up to say hi or send me a quick text asking how my day went. I got caught up and let my guard down and my heart got swooped up. My mom told me that the flesh is weak, but she didn't mean in a physical/body way. She just meant that the heart tends to give in, even though it's not right, when it finds something that it has desired for a long time. It aquires feelings that shouldn't be there and that's when we get ourselves in trouble. That's when we get hurt.
Going into said friendship, I thought there was an interest in me. Turns out he just wanted to be friends. I was disappointed, but I was also cool with that. Then I find out he's atheist, which is completely opposite of everything I believe. Red flags go up and my logic says "NO!" So I told myself over and over that this was just going to be a friendship. It had to be. There was no way I would have feelings for him. I was sure I was brought into his life for particular reason, so I accepted this friendship and continued on. Then he did what no guy has ever really done. He made me feel special. He was honest with me. He was himself. He made me laugh til I was in stitches. None of this was him putting on an act...and my flesh broke. I started having feelings for him. I foolishly started hoping that there would be this "Gotchya!" moment with the whole atheism thing. Where he'd come out and say "Haha! Just jokin!," but in my heart of hearts, I knew it wouldn't happen.
What did I do next? I pushed on...I continued in this friendship, never uttering a word of my feelings, but the moment I get the text that he's hanging out with a new girl, I crumble. What else did I expect?
I spent three days crying, trying to forget that I did this to myself. I wanted to burst, I wanted to scream, and I wanted to spill it to SOMEONE...but I couldn't. I had no one that I felt safe enough with. So I took a drive on the third day and I ended up at this beautiful dam. The sun was shining and all I could hear was the rush of the water. I found a bench and I pulled out my journal. For two hours I cried, I wept, I wrote and I prayed. I prayed. I prayed. During this time, I realized that the entire time I let this tear me apart, my best friend was patiently waiting for me to come to HIM. I finally did. My prayers went up. My prayers, my cries, and my pain. They were heard. I don't know what His answer will be, but I'm willing to wait for it. I just wished I would have gone to Him first. When I left the dam, I had this great peace and it's something I'm trying to maintain everyday. Only through my prayers will it continue though. I know that now.

These last couple months I've been thinking that I was brought into this guy's life to help him in some way, which still might be the case, but more importantly, this guy was brought into my life to help change ME. To make me aware of some things that I've been too "blind" to pay attention to. God's not done. I'm not done. I will just go back into this a little more cautiously and a LOT more guarded.
It still hurts a little when he talks about her, but I can't blame him. He knew nothing about my feelings and we were both supposed to be under the impression that this would only ever be a friendship, but I can honestly say that I didn't hold up my end and I've learned my lesson. I won't stop being his friend. Genuine friend. I will continue to pray for strength. I will continue to pray for wisdom, and I will continue daily communication with my best friend. No matter how trivial or embarrassing it seems to be.
One thing I've learned so far...It's best to start with Him than wait til things get out of control....