What's goin on...

A few posts back (seems like forever ago) I mentioned that I would let you all know what's been going on with me and why I've been missing from the blogsphere. When I posted that, everything I was dealing with was still very fresh and I wasn't ready/willing to share it with the world (or blogger world in this case), but I think I'm finally at a point where I'm ready.

Back in February I was permanently laid of from my job of four years. A job I had come to love and enjoy. It was completely out of the blue and due to the downturn of the economy. My initial thought when it happened was "What am I going to do? I have a car payment, bills, life, meds, etc." I was scared out of my mind. Then they told me that they weren't going to fight my unemployment and they sent me off with a severence package. It eased my worries a little, but I was still scared out of my mind. My big thing was the seperation. I have a tendency to bond to people quickly and when I do, I invest. My time, my friendship, and in this case, even some of my tears. The people I worked with were like another family to me. We weren't a very large company so it was very easy to make friends and maintain those friendships. The workplace was like another home. There was a comfort there and in an instant, it was gone.
I went from having a decent income and not really worrying about my bills (I was even going to be out on my own in a year) to consistantly trusting the Lord and praying that he would provide my NEEDS. I went from having daily interactions with everyone there to feeling like a chunk of my heart had been ripped out. I wouldn't really say it then, but I was a wreck. I would tell people about the "silver lining" of my ordeal (school) and would tell them I missed the people, but no one knew of the nights I cried alone because I was so afraid of where this journey was going to lead me. Afraid that they were going to forget me. I didn't tell them of the days that I felt like going back and begging for my job because I was afraid of starting over.
There are still a few things I fear in regards to all of this, but I've been trying more and more to turn that fear into trust. Trust that the Lord will continue to come through. I say continue because he has come through. I've been able to pay my bills. I still have my car, I'm able to maintain my child-sponsorship, and I'm still afloat. I may not have the money for some of life's extra's, but I can pay my bills. I still hear from the girls at the office periodically and when I stop in, they are thrilled to see me. They haven't forgot about me and I'm so very happy about that. It hasn't been an easy thing for me, but the initial shock, pain and fear have subsided.
I'm now in college and working toward "the better life." I'm pursuing more relationships (friendships) and trying to get more plugged into the church. I'm trying to take this terrible situation and turn it into a positive. I may not know the plans He has for me, but I'm going to trust Him to lead me. It won't always be easy. I won't always want to go. In fact, I'm sure there will be more worries, pain and tears down the road, but for now I'm okay. That's all I can ask for right now. =)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

Another Location

Hello to my (few) loyal readers. I am posting today to let you know that I now have a new blog. It's not REPLACING this one, it's just an added bonus to this blog. As most of you already know, I have started college. The new blog is going to be just about that. I will continue to post here periodically, but my main focus, for now, is going to be school and the blog that goes with it. =)

Much Love,
Leah

Seriously??

I'll be the first to admit that I have trust issues. Some of it stems from childish behavior displayed by people that I called friends in school. Granted, I was one that had my part in repeating things that I shouldn't have. I won't deny it, but it seemed to happen a lot to me. I mean, there are other reasons why I have trust issues, but I'll not get into them here. Some recent events have caused me to feel like I'm back in school again. I don't know why this is such an issue for people. Is it really THAT hard to be someone's friend and keep quiet when something is said to you in confidence??? Seriously, is it? I saw this recent person as someone I could trust, I mean, really trust. Apparently not. It frustrates me to NO END when I can't trust my friends. I'm almost tempted to go back to my old ways and just stay silent. Keep everything close to me silent. Every wish, every dream, every fear, every mistake; everything. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of hearing through the grapevine that some of my words are being repeated. There's a reason why I went so many years without opening up; it's safer and less painful to be silent. Maybe I should start again....

Baby Steps...

I'm sure by now, those of you who read my blog have noticed that I've been missing for the last 6 months or so. I haven't completely forgotten about this thing, I just haven't been able to organize my thoughts/control my emotions enough to say what I want to say on here. If you hang in with me for just a little longer, I'll fill you in with what's been going on. I promise I'm slowly working my way back.

Much Love,
Leah

Ahhh...

Today is so wonderful. It's 58 degrees with blue skies, sunshine, and very little snow left on the ground. Not something we usually have on a normal day in February, here in Michigan. I went out on my lunch and it was so refreshing; a little windy, but still refreshing.

It makes me wish for Spring to come a little sooner...

I'm Beyond Disturbed...

Abortion: one of the few topics that can really get my blood pressure up. I find it to be wrong on so many levels and then, today, I read this.

This post isn't to get a debate going about whether you think it's wrong or right (though if you really want to have that discussion, I'd be more than willing to sit down with you sometime...), but it's definitely a vent for me.

I sat there reading that article with my mouth hanging open!! HOW COULD SOMEONE DO THAT??? I would personally hold the doctor, the moron that tossed the baby out (just typing that turns my stomach), and the mother all accountable! Yes, even the mother. She's filed a lawsuit against the clinic (which I can understand), but she was still alert. Why didn't she speak up? Why didn't she DO or SAY something to make that employee stop?!?! I DON'T GET IT! IT WAS A BABY! A LIVING HUMAN BEING! The article says, "Williams struggled with the decision to have an abortion," and "'She came face to face with a human being....And that changed everything.' " Did it? Really? Then why didn't she do more? And how could the guy that tossed her (the baby) justify what he was doing? Is he so inhumane that he thinks this was okay? I know I'm already going off on a rant here, but let me point something else out that really bothers me. Williams (the mother) went to the clinic because "'She concluded she didn't have the resources or maturity to raise a child.'" Now, I don't judge you if you're sexually active, I don't judge you if you're "pro-choice," (though I'm likely to debate you on it...), and I won't judge you if you are thinking of having, or would have, an abortion (though I'd be likely to try to talk you out of it), but I have a HUGE problem with girls that get an abortion because they don't have the "resources or maturity" to raise a child. THEN WHY WERE YOU HAVING SEX IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?! It's a logical question. There's always a chance of pregnancy when you're messing around. If you're going to do it, protect yourself or prepare yourself for the responsibility that comes with it and if that time comes, either take responsiblilty or GIVE THE BABY UP! There are SO many couples out there that can't have children of their own and by aborting a child, you're just taking away another chance of theirs to have a family.

I could seriously go on forever, but I'll spare you.

I cringe because 30 babies are aborted (killed) per second in the U.S...

But I smile because my mother chose ME!

Have a Blessed Day!

That's Just How It Is...

Before I get into this post, I just want to say that I don't question my decision, I'm just curious as to how the rest of you would have responded. I'd like to know if you agree with my stand or not.

So here goes:

Yesterday, I had been trying to get a hold of my friend (let's call her Jane) but for some reason, I wasn't getting a response. So, being the clever person I am, I decided I was going to text her boyfriend and see if her phone was dead or something. Like 5 minutes later, I got a phone call from her (go figure). Later that day her boyfriend (let's just call him Joe) texted me and below is how the convo went (the first two are from memory because I somehow deleted them):

Joe: What? You can only text me when you need to get ahold of Jane? I see how it is.

Me: Oh stop being a baby! lol. I'm just more comfortable texting Jane. I always feel weird when I text or call my friends' significant others.

(actual texts below)

J: hmmmm.. be that way.

M: fine. I will. =)

J: So that means we aren't friends so if we ever see eachother, don't look or talk to me, cause i'm just a significant other.

M: No. I didn't say that. I just feel weird when I have to call or text them. It's weird...I know, but that's just me. I love talkin to ya & whatnot when I see ya...I can't explain it. But way to go for making me feel bad. lol

J: And saying im not ur friend makes me feel good?? Fine, I can play woman games too.

M: I didn't say you weren't my friend!! You are...but let me ask you this...do you call or text your best friends gf randomly??

From there, he didn't really answer my question. He said something about he being his own best friend, so yes, because Jane was his "best friends" girl. And then I think he arrived at work, so I didn't hear back from him. This conversation, however, made me want to explain myself a little better, which is why I'm here.

First off, no, I don't randomly call or text my friends' boyfriends. Just like I don't go out of my way to call and text the male friends of mine that have girlfriends. I personally feel it's innappropriate. Why, you might ask? Because we girls are funny creatures and when we find out that our boyfriends are talking via phone with another girl (who happens to be single), some of us tend to get on the defensive and assume things. Granted, not all, but many, and I refuse put any of my friends in that sort of situation. Just because I won't text or call you like I do my other friends doesn't mean I'm not your friend. I'll talk to you, give you hard time, comment you on the oh-so-popular networking sites like I would any other friend, but I will NOT text or call you and I won't be alone with you in any situation. I've sat out in the car before, waiting for one of my girlfriends to get home, because I wasn't comfortable sitting in the house alone with her husband. I absolutely adore her husband. He's an incredible guy, loves her to death, and is a great friend all around, but I wasn't comfortable being alone in the house with just him. Call me weird, but that's just how I am. I know all of my friends trust me, and I know they trust their husband/boyfriends, but I still don't want to be in the sort of situation that would cause any doubt. As I stated earlier, it's not just with my girlfriends' boyfriends - it also includes my MALE friends that are in a relationship. I just dont' want to go there.

So now that I've given you a long-winded story... What's your opinion? Does it all make sense or am I just weird?

Me and my two closest friends (since 1st grade).

This I Can Handle...

As most you already know, I am not a huge fan of President Obama. I don't agree with the majority of his ideas, morals, plans, etc. However; I did run across an article today that made me smile. It's probably the first idea of his that I would encourage and support.

With all the bailouts going on in this nation, it's about time someone tried to put a lock on ridiculous things (like multi-billion dollar bonuses). My favorite line is "'In ordinary situations where the taxpayers money is not involved, we shouldn't set executive pay,' said Sen. Richard Shelby of Alabama, the top Republican in the Senate Banking Committee. 'But where you've got federal money involved, taxpayers' money involved, TARP money involved, and the way they have spent it, with no accountability, is getting close to being criminal.'" I totally agree!! If they want to take their profit and give every employee a million dollar raise, that's their choice, but when the money is coming off the backs of the taxpayers, then guidelines and restrictions need to be set. I'm hoping this plan goes off without a hitch.

Now if only we could get someone to do something about all of the (part-time) politicians' wages. =)

Footballs and Groundhogs...

Yesterday was Superbowl XLIII. Today is Groundhog Day. Not that they have anything in common, I just thought I'd put it out there for those of you that didn't know. =)

I didn't watch the game last night. I was going to, but a friend that I haven't seen in long time invited me over to hang out with her and her grandbaby, so I did. It was nice, and we had some good conversation. I do have to say though, I was bummed about missing the commercials. They're the BEST part of the whole stinking game! And my team lost. That kind of sucked. I'm a Packers fan, but if they're not in the "big game," I root for the team that everyone expects to lose, unless the two teams are evenly matched, then I root for the team with the better colors (totally girly, I know). My dad told me about the game and I'm quite proud of what the Cardinals did and how they came around, but I was still disappointed that they lost. What can ya do, right?
And Groundhog Day....let me just say that I really don't get how this is a "national holiday." I mean, we're celebrating a day that lets a rodent determine how many more weeks of winter we'll have... Who's bright idea was that?? The whole day cracks me up. What's even funnier is the fact that 40,000 people got up this morning and went out (starting at 3 AM) to watch a rodent look for his shadow when the sun came up. 40,000!!! Hearing that this morning on the radio, I decided to go online and search this day out because there are only 4 things I know about this day.

1. A rodent looks for his shadow and that determines how many more weeks of winter is left.
2. There's a movie in which Bill Murray finds himself living Groundhog Day over and over. I find the movie very funny.
3. We use to color cool pictures in grade school to "celebrate" this day.
4. This tradition has been going on for many, many years.

In my search, I found out that in Punxsutawney, PA (where it originates) they have 4 days worth of "events" to celebrate. 4 days!! I also found out that Phil (the rodent) saw his shadow today, and we have six more weeks of winter, supposedly (they don't live in Michigan, obviously). I stopped "researching" after seeing pictures of the main event, because I just couldn't bear the craziness of it anymore... People actually dressed in costume for this, check the pics out yourself.

Anyway, nothing too thrilling, but those are my thoughts for the day. To all you Cardinal fans, my hearts go out to you. To everyone else: HAPPY RODENT DAY! =)

A Light? Or Part of the Darkness?

For those of you that read this blog and claim Christianity, I have one question for you.

Are you a light in the darkness or do you add to it?

This is not a question that needs to be answered to me or outloud, but it is a question that requires each one of us to search our hearts, our actions, and our words. And yes, there is a reason I'm asking this question.

Recently, I have been communicating with a guy I met on New Year's Eve. The majority of our communication was through texts, and then last week Tuesday, we talked on the phone. The conversation was going along smoothly, (I'm not going to get into some of the specifics because those pieces of our conversation belong to him and I don't have his permission to post them publicly), and then it came up that I was raised in a Christian home. He asked me point blank if I was a Christian and I responded honestly; I am. That's when the talk turned in a differnt direction. We talked about beliefs and why he believes what he believes, why I believe what I believe, etc. Through that portion of our talk, I sensed (through things he said) that he had been hurt severely by people claiming to be Christians. At one point in the conversation, he called them hypocrites. He said that if they followed the Bible, then they would treat people kinder and wouldn't turn their backs when someone had a differing view. To an extent, he was right. I tried to apologize and tell him that I wasn't one of them, but I don't know how much of that he really caught, and if he did, how much of it he really believed. I'm not naiive, I know that there are people out there that claim to be Christians, and yet they do turn their backs, they do live a life of hypocricy, and they do hurt the ones that need us to love them the most. I can honestly say it breaks my heart that, because of them, the "water of Christianity" has been polluted.
After that, the phone call was pretty much over. I was trying to process things in my mind and so I was rather silent; unsure of what to say. Afraid that I may have offended him somehow. So, we hung up and I went to bed. The thought process didn't stop there though. Our conversation really got me thinking. Am I a Christian that lives the way the Bible tells me to live? Do I live with compassion and respect for others, regardless of their beliefs? Do I live by the same set of standards I ask of them? Am I a light in the darkness? Or do I live a life of hypocricy and turn my back when I disagree with them and their belief? Do I add to the darkness?

I believed in my heart that I try my best to be a light, but I needed an outside opinion, so I talked with some people that know me best and are most honest with me (Christian and non-Christian), and they also believe I live the talk. I know I'm flawed, and I make mistakes in my own life, but I honestly believe that I have the love and compassion for those who are hurting and searching for something. I honestly believe that I live what I speak. I believe I live the life Christ has asked of me. So if you're a Christian reading this, I have to ask; which category do you fall into? Please ask yourself that and pay very close attention to how that will impact the life of someone that is hurting, or unsure of what he believes. Through our words, actions, and life, we may be the deciding factor.

If you're reading this and have been hurt by the church, hurt by the walls of religion, or hurt by people claiming to be Christians I just want to tell you how truly sorry I am. I am sorry if we weren't there for you in your darkest hour. I am sorry if we "preached" one thing and lived the opposite of that. I am sorry if you reached out for a hand and we pulled ours away. I am sorry; I am sorry; I am sorry. I have no excuse for that. That is not how we are called to act, and over time, I truly hope you are able to forgive us. My hope is that you find a Christian friend that shows you the love, compassion, and respect that you deserve.

Untitled

I feel the beat of my excited heart
My mind goes racing to places in a dream
But deep inside I still fear
That what is today
Will be taken tomorrow
I'll be left in the cold
Hurt and painfully broken
Trying to climb my way back
To the way it once was
It's a game that is played
With my heart and my tears
Given to tease and then taken away
After it's gone
I fight back the tears
Wondering if it's the last
And for how many years?
When will I feel again
That race in my heart
Knowing someone is thinking of me
And they have from the start
It doesn't come often
And I hate when it leaves
Is this really the life meant for me?
I try to find comfort
In only His arms
But I feel like a failure
'Cause I feel incomplete
And I so still desire
To fill this void inside my heart
I don't know what's in store
And afraid to find out
The tears will fall
Time will pass by
And I'll try not to think
That this is my life
Uncertain of the future
Alone will I be
I wish I had the answers
For the questions inside me