Pulaski Days Virgin...

Even though I was born Dutch and German, today I spent the day like the Polish and let me just say, it was amazing.

Today I joined a good portion of Grand Rapids for their annual "Pulaski Days." For those of you that don't know, it's when the Polish open up their halls to the public for amazing food, beer, and just a grand 'ol time.  This is the first year I went and I didn't really know what to expect.  I was definitely out of my element when I showed up, but it turned out to be a decent day. After the 4th hall, I finally decided to be brave and try the food.  I didn't know what a Pierogie was,  Golumpki sounded gross, and Kalpusta sort of frightened me.  Finally, after the hunger started kicking in, and I got decent explanations of what each item was, I gave it a shot.  Oh. My. Goodness!! The Polish sure know what they're doing in the kitchen!! The food was amazing!  I didn't try the Kapusta because that is sauerkraut and I'm not a huge fan, but the Pierogies are little dough like things filled with mashed potatoes. And the Golumpki?? Probably my favorite of the day. Ground beef with onions and some other things cooked inside cabbage and covered in some sort of red sauce.  The food just melts in your mouth it's so amazing!

Overall, the experience turned out to be great. Besides the amazing food, they played a ton of polka music, which usually annoys me, but just fit with today's adventure, the company was good and the beer was normal.

I may not be Polish, but I'm going to definitely play like them again next year. Maybe with a few extra people though. 

Got Me Thinkin (Pt 2)...

A few months back, I posted this.  I never gave my reasons for not wanting to get pregnant, I just stated that I didn't want to and proceeded to rant about how doctors won't do it....You're fully capable of reading it, so I'm not going to repeat everything I said in the post, but I am going to tell you two main reasons why I chose the "no pregnancy" route and then I'm going to share some new information.

Reason 1: I have Type I diabetes. Not only is it difficult to conceive, but your chances of miscarriage are higher. Also, there is a greater risk of the baby getting diabetes and developing birth defects if a diabetic mother is not careful and allows her "numbers" to get too high. I don't want to be the reason my child ends up with what I have.

Reason 2: I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Pretty much, my hormones are all out of whack.  Like with diabetes it is more difficult to conceive and the chances of miscarriage are higher.  I don't handle death well, so I can't imagine how I would respond if I had multiple miscarriages.

With my mind made up that I don't want to give birth to children, I decided to see a doctor about my options. I wanted to know as much as I could before I made the final decision to put an end to any possibility of pregnancy.  The first thing she said to me was that women of my "demographic" later regret it.  Let me rephrase: she said that 90% of those women end up regretting it.  She also told me that there are few doctors that would perform the procedure because of my age, the fact that I've never had a child and the fact that I'm still single.  Oh yeah, she also said that out of the women that regret it and end up getting the $10,000, money up-front, reversal procedure, only 50% of them end up pregnant.  She commended me on thinking it through thoroughly and still being open to adoption, but she also believed that I was making a choice out of fear. Was she right?? Absolutely.  I can't deny when someone hits it right on the head. Even now, looking back at my reasons....it's all fear. I fear I'll pass down what I have. I fear miscarriages. I fear the disappointment of that single pink line, over and over. My reasons, no matter how thought out they are, are based in fear.

She also told me that she specializes in high-risk pregnancy (which is what I would be considered) and she said that with the technology and doctors out there, it is VERY possible for a woman with Diabetes and PCOS to have very healthy children.  She said it would require a lot of self discipline and monitoring, but it's possible.  She doesn't believe that fear should be a factor.  At the end of our conversation, she gave me information on different options and ended it with a "I can't tell you what decision to make, I can only give you the facts and options. From there you have to make the decision for yourself."

My appointment got me thinking:  Knowing what I now know, if I removed the fear from my "reasons," would I still feel the same way or would I be open to the option of eventually becoming pregnant? It's a good thing I'm still single, because I have a lot to think about....

Broken...

Broken are the wings of the songbird

What once gave her flight
Has died beneath the surface

Broken is she who's heart was healed

Numb is she who's heart can still feel

Fly once more she wants to do

But flightless she'll be 

Til her joy is renewed

I wrote this several months back, but it describes me more now than it did when I wrote it.  By nature, I'm a happy, joyful, positive person, but lately I've been feeling like there's a big black cloud above my head that just won't go away.  I know what has created the cloud, yet I don't know how to make it disappear.  I'm a pretty strong girl. I've had a lot thrown at me in short twenty-something years. For the most part, I've done a great job of handling the things that were thrown my way.  I had my struggles and there was a time that I needed doctor intervention to get me back to where I needed to be, but I was able to get past that and I'm stronger because of it. But with what life is dishing out to me now, I almost feel helpless. As much as I try to change my circumstances and replace the ugly in my life, I still come up short.  Nothing is changing and I can't seem to get the ugly to go away.  I used to be able to find joy in any situation, but now it's a struggle to do so. I want to go back to the way I was before. I want to go back so badly, but I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. Or how I'm supposed to get there.  Thankfully, I have great family and friends that will walk beside me til I get back to where I want to be, but I just wish they could tell me how....

The Shallow End...

Is it shallow of me to NOT settle for something I don't want??

I've always been a "bigger" girl. I've come to accept that and I've grown to love my body (and I'm still trying to make healthy changes to it). With that said, when I spend time with a guy that is MUCH smaller than me and only a couple inches taller than me, I can't help but feel insecure. I can't help but feel like my size is on display. I'm uncomfortable. I become extremely self-conscious. I like the guy. He's different from any other guy I've "dated." He opens the door for me, he refuses to let me pay for anything even when I REALLY try to, and he's just an all around good guy, yet I can't seem to get my mind and heart to move in "that way" towards him. It's more than the weight/height thing too. Here's where I begin to sound really shallow....
He has a few really bad teeth. I am a teeth girl and always have been. I don't mind crooked, or a little yellow, or one or two missing (unless it's the front), but when they are black...I fear that it's a sign of poor hygiene. I can't handle that.

Well, I was talking to a friend today. I was telling her about him (the good and the bad) and she told me I shouldn't care about the size as long as he's a good guy and also that his teeth can be fixed. I stated back (probably quite rudely to her) "Why should *I* have to settle for something less than what I want when people around me don't? When they justify writing someone off because they don't fit in just the right way..." She said that I was right. She said that I shouldn't have to settle. I know what I have to do with this guy. As nice/good as he is, it's just not right for me. In addition to the size/teeth thing, we don't agree on a couple of key issues. So, I know what I have to do, but at the same time, this guy and the conversation I had with my friend have really made me question...Am I just shallow???? I mean, I fully believe that there's a guy out there that's right for me. He'll be the good/decent guy I'm looking for and he'll also possess the physical attributes I'm looking for. I'm not asking for model hot. I'm not even asking for hot. I'm asking for someone that I'm attracted to physically and facially. Someone that I DON'T feel self conscious around. Is it shallow of me to pass on this guy and wait for what I want? I mean, is it??

Conflicted...

If you're living on planet Earth, then I'm sure you've heard about the death of Osama Bin Laden. If you haven't heard, I suggest you check yourself for a pulse. =)

All joking aside, Osama Bin Laden is dead. Killed by a US Navy SEAL team on May 1, 2011. While I am incredibly proud of the military team for completing this mission and removing this piece of evil from our planet, I am also sad...and terrified. Let me explain.

As an American, I rejoice in the removal of evil from our earth (as I stated earlier). Bin Laden was a coward that brought death and heartache to thousands of Americans through the horrific events that took place on 9/11. He has also terrorized thousands, if not millions, of people from his own land. The man deserved to be brought down and as an American, I stand behind my country proudly shouting "U.S.A!" However, as a Christian, I am saddened. Yes, this man was evil but it states in the Bible, "Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice." Proverbs 24:17 Even Christ says, "I take no pleasure in the death of anyone...Repent and Live!" Ezekiel 18:32 If Osama never acknowledged his wrong doings and never asked for the forgiveness that Christ offers up for free, then his death means an eternity in hell. Why do we rejoice over that? We are supposed to rejoice when a lost soul is saved, not when it perishes. That is why I am conflicted.

Also, the death of Osama does not mean peace. There will be retaliation. There will be more violence. Even though we, the American people, despised this man, we can't deny the fact that he was loved and followed by many. Those many are now angered and they WILL retaliate. I want our troops home as much as anyone else, but at the same time, I don't want to deal with the retaliation on our land. I wish peace was at our doorstep with this death, but unfortunately it's not. All we can do now is sit back and pray for the safety and return of our troops. That is why I'm terrified.

Got Me Thinkin...

This one is going to be short and sweet...Can't really elaborate on this thought rolling around in my head.

Over the course of a couple years, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want children. So much so, that I've considered having my tubes tied. No joke. When I brought it up, I was told that nearly every doctor would deny me that. I wouldn't be approved for that because of my age. It would take A LOT of searching to find one that would. That's what got me thinkin...

Why, in this day and age, is it okay to get knocked up (some being younger than me), decide you're "not ready" and then have your baby murdered and removed from your body (with plenty of willing doctors to do the procedure), but it's NOT okay to prevent oneself (who is fully capable of handling the emotional effects) from ever getting pregnant in the first place? Aren't we living in a day of "choice?" I mean, if we're not allowed to deny someone their "choice" to murder their growing baby, then no one should be able to deny me my "choice" to prevent a growing baby. Am I wrong in this thinking??

I'd love to hear other opinions. Even if I've offended you with the way I referred to abortion. I have no apology for that.