I Caved...

I caved. I logged in. And now I'm thinking it wasn't the best idea.... All it took was one picture and one caption to make my heart sink. All it took was one picture and one caption to send me back to the way I was feeling before I quit Facebook.


I thought I'd be okay. I thought I could sign in and be fine. I was wrong. Just a little backtracking here.... There were a couple reasons why I left Facebook.

1) I was neglecting my devotions and prayer time.
2) I had recently been hurt by a guy and wanted wipe him from my life for awhile....I wanted to get away until I was ready to delete him from my Facebook. I wanted to go back to being that girl that wasn't checking his facebook everytime I logged on to see who he was talking to. There it is. I've admitted it. Yeah...I was doing that.


Anyway... It was fine at first, but then on the right side of my page it started showing me friends that had been tagged in pictures. Can you guess who the first person was?? None other than the guy that hurt me. Go figure! So what did stupid Leah do? You guessed it! She clicked. This is where my heart sank. The picture was of him and his "ex" walking to the beach in Saugatuck. On the same path that he and I took. It's more than just the path though. Seeing that picture just made every assumption I made about our time together feel that much truer. Maybe I'm just being silly here (because I KNOW that nothing between us would have been right for me), but it hurt. It felt like a slap in the face. It made the feeling of getting played by him that much stronger. I spent six weeks with this guy thinking that he had a genuine interest in me and seeing this picture is proof that I was wrong.


Please don't misunderstand me. I don't want to go running to him or anything. It's not like that. I really am happy. I love my life, I love my job, and I have a great group of friends and an amazing family. I'm truly happy, but seeing the picture brings so much to the surface. It brings a lot of hurt to the surface. The hurt that comes from knowing that there are people out there that don't find "worth" in you. The hurt that comes from thinking about the time invested in someone when all you were to them was a game. And the hurt that comes from wondering if it's all going to be worth it in the end, wondering if your "number" will ever be called. Even after seeing the picture I can't delete him. I probably sound like a pathetic little high schooler, but I can't delete him yet. Which brings me to the whole point of this post....



I don't think I'm ready to be back on Facebook yet....