With a particular conversation rolling around in my head, I've been doing some thinking, some questioning, and some digging....all within myself. This conversation has to do with a friend of mine admitting to liking me, and telling me that he believes we're going to be married in 2009. When he first told me- I laughed. I was caught off guard, I didn't know how else to respond. Then he told me he was serious. It made for an awkward conversation after that. Ever since then I've been trying to figure out if there's anything in my heart towards him, more than just friends. I'm yet to figure that out. I do know that I don't want to lose him. He is one of the greatest friends I have. He's the only guy I can talk to without feeling weird around, I can pretty much tell him everything, and he's always a good comfort when I'm down, but does that mean I have feelings for him? I don't know. I sent him a note telling him my thoughts....I know, it's not something that should be done via email, but when my call goes unanswered and I need to talk to him...it was what I had to do. Well-from the looks of it, it was probably the worst thing I could have done. I'm yet to hear back from him; which is really unusual considering I sent it to him last night and he's never one to take his time responding. Now all I'm doing is worrying myself sick that I've lost my best friend because of my stupidity. He makes himself vulnerable and I laugh...
In all of this "digging" I've also begun to wonder if I even want someone. I know- I'm always talking about wanting to get married and share my life with someone, but then I'm faced with just a possibility of a relationship and I start getting all freaked out and whatnot. Blame it on my insecurities, or fear, or whatever. All I know is that when I'm single- I can be myself, without having to impress someone; I don't have to be vulnerable; and I don't have to open myself up heartbreak. In a big way I fear that I won't meet their expectations in a relationship. My life has flaws; flaws that are many times the curse of my life and I fear that those flaws will eventually turn them away and in turn; heartbreak. I struggle with insecurity day in and day out. Some days are better than others...this has been my life since my adolescence. I also question whether someone really can like me. I have a great personality...I've been told that, but I've also been given many reasons why someone won't date me. After a "lifetime" of just hearing what's wrong with me, it's hard to find the confidence to believe someone when they say that the do like me.
I just wish I could have my best friend back. Take away the conversation, the email, the everything and just have him back...but that's not possible, and now I have to wait on response and if none comes, I'll have to learn how to accept that and find a way to move on; even though it's not something I really want to do.
2 comments:
Leah,
Did you know I love you?? You really bared yourself in this post. I know how difficult that is and I'm proud of you.
I want to encourage you though to not give up on the right person. You know my past with guys; its been a very painful road. Even the man that I loved most rarely behaved as one would expect from someone talking about marriage in a "some day" way. Regardless of this, the pain that I've suffered, and the scars that I now carry, I'd do it again. Some portions would be different but I'd definitely choose to love again.
Someone once said "Sometimes when you open yourself up to good, bad trickles in too." While the statement is very true, the good far outweights the bad. When you open yourself up to love (be it friendship or romantic love) it will change you. It will cause parts of yourself to blossom; parts that you never even knew existed... and then you'll wonder how you could have existed before. I've seen this in my own life but more often in the healthy relationships of those around me.
Some day, when God has perfected him for you, you will meet a man with whom you can be totally "Leah" with. He'll get you like no one ever has. If you're willing to wait, he will be your helper, your comfort, your best friend, and fulfill all of your dreams and prayers for a man. The right man will help you to be the person that God intends that you be. You will edify him, he you, and your relationship will edify those around you and God. Thing is though, you have to allow God to open all of those sacred areas of your heart and not rush the timing. When you find that man, you'll know. I'm not saying you won't be hurt; in life there are no guarantees and humans are fickle; but in your heart you will know and you'll find yourself opening up without giving it a second thought.
I pray that rather than hiding behind your fears and your pain (as is so easy to do), you'll allow God to direct this area of your life. He will and you can trust him in a way that you can never trust any human being.
I love you - always.
Thank you! Everything you said means a lot to me. I love you too!
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