I Can Relate...

A month or so ago, I prebought the new Barlow Girl CD. I picked it up today on my lunch, and by the end of the second song, I was about in tears. With everything that happened in my life over the past few years, I started slipping away from Christ. While everything is not yet back to the way it should be, I've come a long way and the following lyrics from their new CD really describe where I'm at right now....

I Believe in Love

How long will my prayers seem unanswered

Is there still faith in me to reach the end

I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith

But giving up would cost me everything

So I'll stand in the pain and the slience

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I. I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending

That doesn't mean the dark night has no end

It's only here that I find faith

And learn to trust the one who writes my days

So I'll stand in the pain and the silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when he is not silent

And I. I believe

No dark can consume Light

No death greater than this life

We are not forgotten

Hope is found when we say

Even when he is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when i don't feel it

And I believe in God even when he is silent

And I. I Believe.

A Step Inside...

With a particular conversation rolling around in my head, I've been doing some thinking, some questioning, and some digging....all within myself. This conversation has to do with a friend of mine admitting to liking me, and telling me that he believes we're going to be married in 2009. When he first told me- I laughed. I was caught off guard, I didn't know how else to respond. Then he told me he was serious. It made for an awkward conversation after that. Ever since then I've been trying to figure out if there's anything in my heart towards him, more than just friends. I'm yet to figure that out. I do know that I don't want to lose him. He is one of the greatest friends I have. He's the only guy I can talk to without feeling weird around, I can pretty much tell him everything, and he's always a good comfort when I'm down, but does that mean I have feelings for him? I don't know. I sent him a note telling him my thoughts....I know, it's not something that should be done via email, but when my call goes unanswered and I need to talk to him...it was what I had to do. Well-from the looks of it, it was probably the worst thing I could have done. I'm yet to hear back from him; which is really unusual considering I sent it to him last night and he's never one to take his time responding. Now all I'm doing is worrying myself sick that I've lost my best friend because of my stupidity. He makes himself vulnerable and I laugh...

In all of this "digging" I've also begun to wonder if I even want someone. I know- I'm always talking about wanting to get married and share my life with someone, but then I'm faced with just a possibility of a relationship and I start getting all freaked out and whatnot. Blame it on my insecurities, or fear, or whatever. All I know is that when I'm single- I can be myself, without having to impress someone; I don't have to be vulnerable; and I don't have to open myself up heartbreak. In a big way I fear that I won't meet their expectations in a relationship. My life has flaws; flaws that are many times the curse of my life and I fear that those flaws will eventually turn them away and in turn; heartbreak. I struggle with insecurity day in and day out. Some days are better than others...this has been my life since my adolescence. I also question whether someone really can like me. I have a great personality...I've been told that, but I've also been given many reasons why someone won't date me. After a "lifetime" of just hearing what's wrong with me, it's hard to find the confidence to believe someone when they say that the do like me.

I just wish I could have my best friend back. Take away the conversation, the email, the everything and just have him back...but that's not possible, and now I have to wait on response and if none comes, I'll have to learn how to accept that and find a way to move on; even though it's not something I really want to do.

Great Quote

Last night, while waiting for my laundry to finish I watched the movie "Akeelah and the Bee." It's about a brilliant younger girl from a poor Los Angeles School that enters the spelling bee. It's about her journey of dicovering who she is, healing from her past, and well...winning a spelling bee. In this movie- her spelling coach tells her to read a quote he has framed on his wall...The movie left part of it out, but I'm posting the full quote. After reading it several times, I've realized that it has truth to it, so read it yourself, and let me know your thoughts.


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson