Back to Beauty...

Well, what can I say? Life takes turns and curves and all sorts of crazy paths and some things get lost in the shuffle. For me, my blog was it. I won't promise consistent posting (hoping that people still read these things), but I will promise to post MORE consistently than I have been.
I know when I last posted, I was working out and posting my progress and so forth. You'll be proud to know that I didn't stop because I stopped working out. I stopped because life happened. My life got very busy. Between the two jobs and working out, losing a loved one, and losing a friendship, the last thing on my mind was to go post something. Every time I saw progress in the mirror, my mind toyed with the idea of posting, and then life took over again. Since my last post in March, I managed to drop about 25 pounds and run (mostly run) my first 5K. I felt a great deal of accomplishment when I crossed that finish line and I had my family there cheering me on, supporting my every step! Soon after my race though, I started feeling extremely discouraged. I was still hitting the gym, but I just wasn't seeing anything and the people that had started out as my main "accountability" dropped out for one reason or another. I'll be honest, self motivation has never been my greatest strength. The thing that really kept me going was the feeling I got; the peace and quiet it brought to my noisy and often crazy life. Also, I still had one person going and cheering me on because he was proud of the accomplishments I was making. Then, in September, he left for basic training and I officially felt less motivated. I would go sporadically a couple times a week, but nothing like I was doing before. With time, both jobs started picking up and I began feeling the effects of exhaustion. The last thing I wanted to do was drag my tired rear end to the gym for a half hour, let alone a full hour (or more). By the time November rolled around, I had made it to the gym 3 times. By the time December hit, not a single time. I miss it. I'm not just saying that...I truly miss it. I tell myself every week, "this is the week I will go. This is the week that I will restart the lifestyle that I enjoy," but it hasn't happened yet. I know it shouldn't be an excuse (especially since it needs to be a lifestyle change and not just a "diet" type thing) but after working both jobs, I have almost nothing left in me. I am continually exhausted. I keep saying that it will pay off in the end, but right now that end seems so far off and as each day passes, I get more and more tired. With that said, as each day passes, I get more and more disappointed in what I see in the mirror. I am a beautiful woman and God gave me curves in all the right places, but I am not where I want to be. I've got so many insecurities that are so tightly intertwined with my body size that the only way for me to FEEL 100% okay with the way I look is to see a drop in size. I may know I'm beautiful in my mind, and I may see it in my heart and in my face, but when I look at my body, I don't see beauty and I don't feel beautiful, I see imperfection. I don't want to drop in size because society tells me I need to. I want to drop in size because I tell me I need to. I admire those full figured women that embrace their bodies and yell from the mountaintops, "LOVE YOUR BODY!! BIG AND BEAUTIFUL!!" but I am not one of those girls. Do I believe you should love your body? Absolutely! I also believe that only you (or I) know where your body needs to be to love it. It was only 25 pounds for me, but when I was down those 25, I could see enough difference that I truthfully embraced my body. I will never be skinny (I inherited the wrong genes for that), nor do I ever really want to be. However, I want to be healthy. Not only in body, but in mind. I want to look in the mirror and love every inch and curve of what I see. I want to like a guy and not wonder if he's "too small" for me. I want to go on a date and not wonder if he's criticizing my size in his mind. Maybe it's all wishful thinking. Maybe because I'm a girl, I'll always have these thoughts and questions and insecurities. Or maybe...just maybe, if I put enough hard work into it, the difference I see will allow me to ignore all of those stupid little devils picking at my brain. This is not my "New Year's Resolution," because we all know the success rate of a that! This is my New Me Resolution. I have to step up and say no to those that are holding me back. Call me selfish, but I can't put myself on the back burner in order to please those around me. If me going to the gym means I miss a TV show with a friend or gab fest with a roommate, then so be it. My life won't be crazy busy forever, but while it is...I have to make sacrifices in order to get "me" time. This is how I'm doing it.

Feel the BURN!!...

Wow, oh, wow!  Today's workout....WOW!
Usually I just stick to cardio, but today we decided to do some strength training.  We took a 6 pound ball and threw it back and forth. Not only did we throw it back and forth, but we squatted and then threw it on the way up.  We ended up doing three reps of ten and my muscles are on fire! It's a good fire, but it's a fire!
I'm enjoying working out more than I ever did before. Maybe it's because I'm doing on MY schedule and not the schedule of a gym (yay for 24 hour gyms!!). Maybe it's because, this time around, I'm doing it for me and only me. I'm not doing it for a guy, I'm not doing it to fit into anything, or a trip or anything of the sort. I'm doing it because I'm finally ready to look in the mirror and like what's looking back at me.  I know losing weight won't make things perfect for me, I'll still have my insecurities, but it'll give me a feeling of confidence and accomplishment.  I'm ready, so ready! =)

Week 3...

Monday, March 12, 2012

Weight:  240.6

Ugh!!  Discouragement is starting to peek it's ugly little head. =(  I got on the scale this morning and my heart about sank to my feet.  I worked so hard this week too!! I worked out all 5 days and I only had one day where I let myself eat more calories than I should have, but I was careful the rest of the week!! Part of it might be that my "week" starts this week and I could be retaining water. Either way, I wanted to cry.  I knew this journey would be hard, I was just hoping to see SOME results by now.  Don't worry though, I'm not giving up yet....I'm just frustrated....

Week 2...

Monday, March 5, 2012:

Weight: 238.6

Definitely not the full two pounds that I was hoping for. Not even a full pound, but it's not the end of the road. I know part of it is due to missing a couple days at the gym, because of an illness, and making a couple really poor food choices this weekend.  It's a new week though and I can get right back on track. I will get back on track! =)  One thing I'm going to, in addition to making better food choices, is up my water intake. I just started reading this book, "Drink This, Not That."  It's from the same people that wrote, " Eat This, Not That" (which I still have to buy), and, while I know water is the best for you, I'm learning some quite fascinating things. Not only about water and what it will do for your overall well-being, but I'm learning what the so-called "healthier" drinks really have in them and how they're not really the healthier choice.  So, in addition to better food choices, and consistent gym visits, I'm going to cut out all diet drinks and replace it with water.  For my caffeine fix, I'll just have to start drinking coffee again, which is fine because it's better than the alternative. So yeah, that's all I've got for today.

=D ....

I'll keep it short and sweet...
I wish the smiley face in my title could truly capture how I'm feeling.  Proud, stronger, and....well...a little sore. =P
Yesterday was day 1 that I worked out. I worked out with Michaele and we did a great job! But today, Michaele had to close her store and didn't expect to be out before 2am, so I decided I was going to go alone after work. Keep in mind, I work two jobs.  Today was one of the days that I had to work both.  Not usually so bad except, today sucked. We were busy at Subway, I was tired, because we were busy, I fell behind on all of my closing duties because we were busy and rather than getting out at 10:30 like I'm used to, I get out 5 minutes after 11.  That made my work day a 13 1/2 hour day.  All I wanted to do was go home and go straight to bed. However, I made this commitment and if I want to see results, I have to follow through, so I went to the gym.  I told myself a max of a half hour. That's all I had in me....45 minutes later I was in a cool down walk.  I LOVED it!  Granted, I know I'm only on day two and still in the "honeymoon" stage, but I, Leah, the girl that battles with insecurities and giving in to what is "easy," took the hard route and worked out...alone...while other people were in the gym!  I'm sore, yes, but that will pass. I'm just proud that I did it alone! I proud that I did it at all!!! =D

Now that I'm WAY past my bedtime....I'm going to call it a night so I can face another 13 hour day tomorrow. But no workout. It's my one day off this week. =)

Much Love!

Week 1...

Moment of truth....
Even as I sit here, I'm nervous to type it all out, but I know it's what's best so I'm just going to get it over with....

Monday, February 27, 2012:  Day one of my journey...
Weight: 239.3 lbs
Hips: 51 in
Waist: 36 in
Bust: 41 in

Tonight will also be the first day I work out. Still trying to get a hold of the personal trainer that will be walking me through the equipment and what I need to do to achieve the best results for me, but I'm not putting off the working out til she meets with me. I'm starting today....

Vulnerability at its finest....

Stay tuned...
I know I haven't posted in awhile, but I'm about to start a new journey. It's a weight loss journey...I joined a gym today and I have friend that I will be working with to be my accountability partner and I will be hers....She's the one I will be working out with, but I'm going to be posting my results and how I'm feeling here.  I'm sure I'll have a lot of ups and downs because weight-loss has always been a difficult process for me... Starting Monday I will be posting my starting weight and then will post results every Monday after that (and maybe a little bit in between) . It's a scary thing for me. By posting my weight and results, I will be making myself extremely vulnerable.  I hate being vulnerable, but in order to make this work, I think I have to do it. I'm hoping that you all will be my support as well.  If I post and I'm feeling discouraged, I'm going to need the encouragement of my friends and family.  Also, I want to make sure I'm staying on top of the blog, so if I'm not being consistent, I'll need a quick text or Facebook message to let me know that I need to get my butt in gear. If you're not up for the task or think I should be doing this on my own, I completely get it. No need to get involved. However, if you're willing to stick by my side through this, it would mean the world to me!

Pulaski Days Virgin...

Even though I was born Dutch and German, today I spent the day like the Polish and let me just say, it was amazing.

Today I joined a good portion of Grand Rapids for their annual "Pulaski Days." For those of you that don't know, it's when the Polish open up their halls to the public for amazing food, beer, and just a grand 'ol time.  This is the first year I went and I didn't really know what to expect.  I was definitely out of my element when I showed up, but it turned out to be a decent day. After the 4th hall, I finally decided to be brave and try the food.  I didn't know what a Pierogie was,  Golumpki sounded gross, and Kalpusta sort of frightened me.  Finally, after the hunger started kicking in, and I got decent explanations of what each item was, I gave it a shot.  Oh. My. Goodness!! The Polish sure know what they're doing in the kitchen!! The food was amazing!  I didn't try the Kapusta because that is sauerkraut and I'm not a huge fan, but the Pierogies are little dough like things filled with mashed potatoes. And the Golumpki?? Probably my favorite of the day. Ground beef with onions and some other things cooked inside cabbage and covered in some sort of red sauce.  The food just melts in your mouth it's so amazing!

Overall, the experience turned out to be great. Besides the amazing food, they played a ton of polka music, which usually annoys me, but just fit with today's adventure, the company was good and the beer was normal.

I may not be Polish, but I'm going to definitely play like them again next year. Maybe with a few extra people though. 

Got Me Thinkin (Pt 2)...

A few months back, I posted this.  I never gave my reasons for not wanting to get pregnant, I just stated that I didn't want to and proceeded to rant about how doctors won't do it....You're fully capable of reading it, so I'm not going to repeat everything I said in the post, but I am going to tell you two main reasons why I chose the "no pregnancy" route and then I'm going to share some new information.

Reason 1: I have Type I diabetes. Not only is it difficult to conceive, but your chances of miscarriage are higher. Also, there is a greater risk of the baby getting diabetes and developing birth defects if a diabetic mother is not careful and allows her "numbers" to get too high. I don't want to be the reason my child ends up with what I have.

Reason 2: I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Pretty much, my hormones are all out of whack.  Like with diabetes it is more difficult to conceive and the chances of miscarriage are higher.  I don't handle death well, so I can't imagine how I would respond if I had multiple miscarriages.

With my mind made up that I don't want to give birth to children, I decided to see a doctor about my options. I wanted to know as much as I could before I made the final decision to put an end to any possibility of pregnancy.  The first thing she said to me was that women of my "demographic" later regret it.  Let me rephrase: she said that 90% of those women end up regretting it.  She also told me that there are few doctors that would perform the procedure because of my age, the fact that I've never had a child and the fact that I'm still single.  Oh yeah, she also said that out of the women that regret it and end up getting the $10,000, money up-front, reversal procedure, only 50% of them end up pregnant.  She commended me on thinking it through thoroughly and still being open to adoption, but she also believed that I was making a choice out of fear. Was she right?? Absolutely.  I can't deny when someone hits it right on the head. Even now, looking back at my reasons....it's all fear. I fear I'll pass down what I have. I fear miscarriages. I fear the disappointment of that single pink line, over and over. My reasons, no matter how thought out they are, are based in fear.

She also told me that she specializes in high-risk pregnancy (which is what I would be considered) and she said that with the technology and doctors out there, it is VERY possible for a woman with Diabetes and PCOS to have very healthy children.  She said it would require a lot of self discipline and monitoring, but it's possible.  She doesn't believe that fear should be a factor.  At the end of our conversation, she gave me information on different options and ended it with a "I can't tell you what decision to make, I can only give you the facts and options. From there you have to make the decision for yourself."

My appointment got me thinking:  Knowing what I now know, if I removed the fear from my "reasons," would I still feel the same way or would I be open to the option of eventually becoming pregnant? It's a good thing I'm still single, because I have a lot to think about....

Broken...

Broken are the wings of the songbird

What once gave her flight
Has died beneath the surface

Broken is she who's heart was healed

Numb is she who's heart can still feel

Fly once more she wants to do

But flightless she'll be 

Til her joy is renewed

I wrote this several months back, but it describes me more now than it did when I wrote it.  By nature, I'm a happy, joyful, positive person, but lately I've been feeling like there's a big black cloud above my head that just won't go away.  I know what has created the cloud, yet I don't know how to make it disappear.  I'm a pretty strong girl. I've had a lot thrown at me in short twenty-something years. For the most part, I've done a great job of handling the things that were thrown my way.  I had my struggles and there was a time that I needed doctor intervention to get me back to where I needed to be, but I was able to get past that and I'm stronger because of it. But with what life is dishing out to me now, I almost feel helpless. As much as I try to change my circumstances and replace the ugly in my life, I still come up short.  Nothing is changing and I can't seem to get the ugly to go away.  I used to be able to find joy in any situation, but now it's a struggle to do so. I want to go back to the way I was before. I want to go back so badly, but I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. Or how I'm supposed to get there.  Thankfully, I have great family and friends that will walk beside me til I get back to where I want to be, but I just wish they could tell me how....