What If I'm doing it Wrong...

So, I've started talking to this guy. Funny guy he is, and I really enjoy talking to him, but there are times (like right now) that I wonder if I'm doing it wrong. I know that probably sounds totally weird, but that's what's going through my mind. Right now I'm just trying to view it as a new friendship and nothing more, but I still worry that I'm going about it all wrong. It's been a long time since I've made "new" friends that I didn't see on a daily basis, let alone talk to on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at making friends and maintaining those friendships, but at the same time, most of those friendships don't consist of texts. There's actually one-on-one human time involved. So with this whole text thing, I worry... Am I asking too much? Am I not saying enough? Am I supposed to let him ask me questions or just offer up information about myself? Does it make me an absolutely absurd 24-year-old for not knowing the answer to these things? I feel like a child again...
I've made a promise to myself (and told a few important people in my life) that I'm not going to get ahead of myself on this one. I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm gonna take it one day at a time and get to know him. Build a friendship, 'cuz honestly, I don't know if I'm ready for anything else right now in my life. With that said, I still don't want to run him off because I appear to be a babbling idiot that has no clue as to what she's doing....

Again with the Trusting...

I feel like there's a big black cloud above my head. As I sit and wait to hear on the future of my unemployment there's this anxiety rising up inside me. I'm going through all of the scenarios of what will happen if I lose it (my unemployment, not my sanity) and it scares me. I have been filling out applications and trying to find a SECOND part time job (because I've had no luck finding full-time employment) just in case something happens, but I've had no luck snagging one yet. I've got two weeks before I know for sure if I continue receiving it or not. While there are moments (many, many moments) that I want to scream and cry and get angry, I'm trying my best not to (kind of failing on the crying part). I have been learning more and more to trust God and this is a scenario where I have to do it again. I don't know what'll happen if I lose my unemployment. I don't know what God has lined up for me and yet I keep trusting. It's hard for me. It's scary, but when the world around me seems to be falling apart, the only thing I have left is to trust Him. I'll do what I can, I put as much effort into it as possible, but after that, I have to trust that God is going to use my work and fulfill his purpose for me. And even though I know he's not going to let me "drown," there are times when I feel like I will. I'm just looking forward to having this big black cloud gone. Gone so I can, once again, live my life without the fear of what tomorrow will bring. Without the anxiety and tears. Until then, all I can do is trust. And trust some more.

The Note You'll Never Read...

To You (you know who you are),
I know I'm imperfect; I've never tried to hide my flaws from anybody. I know I do things you don't like, but that doesn't determine who I am as a person. Stop making me feel that way. I'm trying hard to change - to be better, but I don't think you'll ever take notice. There's always another thing, another flaw. Either I'm doing something wrong, or it's not in the time frame you wanted. I know I'm a burden to you, and if not, you sure make me feel like I am. I just wish things were different. I wish I could look you in the eye and respect you like I should, but it's so hard when I feel like this. When YOU make me feel like this. There's not much more I can do, and not much more I can say, I think it'll always be this way. I'm just counting the days til I can get out, but I don't know how much more I can take...I will continue to pray. Whether you change or not, I am determined to be the better person. I am determined to change what I can about myself. As a wise woman once told ME - "I am not the equivalent of my flaws" the same holds true for me. I just wish you knew me enough to see that. Someday....Maybe. I hope.
Sincerely,
The girl I wish you knew better.

What's goin on...

A few posts back (seems like forever ago) I mentioned that I would let you all know what's been going on with me and why I've been missing from the blogsphere. When I posted that, everything I was dealing with was still very fresh and I wasn't ready/willing to share it with the world (or blogger world in this case), but I think I'm finally at a point where I'm ready.

Back in February I was permanently laid of from my job of four years. A job I had come to love and enjoy. It was completely out of the blue and due to the downturn of the economy. My initial thought when it happened was "What am I going to do? I have a car payment, bills, life, meds, etc." I was scared out of my mind. Then they told me that they weren't going to fight my unemployment and they sent me off with a severence package. It eased my worries a little, but I was still scared out of my mind. My big thing was the seperation. I have a tendency to bond to people quickly and when I do, I invest. My time, my friendship, and in this case, even some of my tears. The people I worked with were like another family to me. We weren't a very large company so it was very easy to make friends and maintain those friendships. The workplace was like another home. There was a comfort there and in an instant, it was gone.
I went from having a decent income and not really worrying about my bills (I was even going to be out on my own in a year) to consistantly trusting the Lord and praying that he would provide my NEEDS. I went from having daily interactions with everyone there to feeling like a chunk of my heart had been ripped out. I wouldn't really say it then, but I was a wreck. I would tell people about the "silver lining" of my ordeal (school) and would tell them I missed the people, but no one knew of the nights I cried alone because I was so afraid of where this journey was going to lead me. Afraid that they were going to forget me. I didn't tell them of the days that I felt like going back and begging for my job because I was afraid of starting over.
There are still a few things I fear in regards to all of this, but I've been trying more and more to turn that fear into trust. Trust that the Lord will continue to come through. I say continue because he has come through. I've been able to pay my bills. I still have my car, I'm able to maintain my child-sponsorship, and I'm still afloat. I may not have the money for some of life's extra's, but I can pay my bills. I still hear from the girls at the office periodically and when I stop in, they are thrilled to see me. They haven't forgot about me and I'm so very happy about that. It hasn't been an easy thing for me, but the initial shock, pain and fear have subsided.
I'm now in college and working toward "the better life." I'm pursuing more relationships (friendships) and trying to get more plugged into the church. I'm trying to take this terrible situation and turn it into a positive. I may not know the plans He has for me, but I'm going to trust Him to lead me. It won't always be easy. I won't always want to go. In fact, I'm sure there will be more worries, pain and tears down the road, but for now I'm okay. That's all I can ask for right now. =)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

Another Location

Hello to my (few) loyal readers. I am posting today to let you know that I now have a new blog. It's not REPLACING this one, it's just an added bonus to this blog. As most of you already know, I have started college. The new blog is going to be just about that. I will continue to post here periodically, but my main focus, for now, is going to be school and the blog that goes with it. =)

Much Love,
Leah

Seriously??

I'll be the first to admit that I have trust issues. Some of it stems from childish behavior displayed by people that I called friends in school. Granted, I was one that had my part in repeating things that I shouldn't have. I won't deny it, but it seemed to happen a lot to me. I mean, there are other reasons why I have trust issues, but I'll not get into them here. Some recent events have caused me to feel like I'm back in school again. I don't know why this is such an issue for people. Is it really THAT hard to be someone's friend and keep quiet when something is said to you in confidence??? Seriously, is it? I saw this recent person as someone I could trust, I mean, really trust. Apparently not. It frustrates me to NO END when I can't trust my friends. I'm almost tempted to go back to my old ways and just stay silent. Keep everything close to me silent. Every wish, every dream, every fear, every mistake; everything. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of hearing through the grapevine that some of my words are being repeated. There's a reason why I went so many years without opening up; it's safer and less painful to be silent. Maybe I should start again....

Baby Steps...

I'm sure by now, those of you who read my blog have noticed that I've been missing for the last 6 months or so. I haven't completely forgotten about this thing, I just haven't been able to organize my thoughts/control my emotions enough to say what I want to say on here. If you hang in with me for just a little longer, I'll fill you in with what's been going on. I promise I'm slowly working my way back.

Much Love,
Leah

Ahhh...

Today is so wonderful. It's 58 degrees with blue skies, sunshine, and very little snow left on the ground. Not something we usually have on a normal day in February, here in Michigan. I went out on my lunch and it was so refreshing; a little windy, but still refreshing.

It makes me wish for Spring to come a little sooner...

I'm Beyond Disturbed...

Abortion: one of the few topics that can really get my blood pressure up. I find it to be wrong on so many levels and then, today, I read this.

This post isn't to get a debate going about whether you think it's wrong or right (though if you really want to have that discussion, I'd be more than willing to sit down with you sometime...), but it's definitely a vent for me.

I sat there reading that article with my mouth hanging open!! HOW COULD SOMEONE DO THAT??? I would personally hold the doctor, the moron that tossed the baby out (just typing that turns my stomach), and the mother all accountable! Yes, even the mother. She's filed a lawsuit against the clinic (which I can understand), but she was still alert. Why didn't she speak up? Why didn't she DO or SAY something to make that employee stop?!?! I DON'T GET IT! IT WAS A BABY! A LIVING HUMAN BEING! The article says, "Williams struggled with the decision to have an abortion," and "'She came face to face with a human being....And that changed everything.' " Did it? Really? Then why didn't she do more? And how could the guy that tossed her (the baby) justify what he was doing? Is he so inhumane that he thinks this was okay? I know I'm already going off on a rant here, but let me point something else out that really bothers me. Williams (the mother) went to the clinic because "'She concluded she didn't have the resources or maturity to raise a child.'" Now, I don't judge you if you're sexually active, I don't judge you if you're "pro-choice," (though I'm likely to debate you on it...), and I won't judge you if you are thinking of having, or would have, an abortion (though I'd be likely to try to talk you out of it), but I have a HUGE problem with girls that get an abortion because they don't have the "resources or maturity" to raise a child. THEN WHY WERE YOU HAVING SEX IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?! It's a logical question. There's always a chance of pregnancy when you're messing around. If you're going to do it, protect yourself or prepare yourself for the responsibility that comes with it and if that time comes, either take responsiblilty or GIVE THE BABY UP! There are SO many couples out there that can't have children of their own and by aborting a child, you're just taking away another chance of theirs to have a family.

I could seriously go on forever, but I'll spare you.

I cringe because 30 babies are aborted (killed) per second in the U.S...

But I smile because my mother chose ME!

Have a Blessed Day!

That's Just How It Is...

Before I get into this post, I just want to say that I don't question my decision, I'm just curious as to how the rest of you would have responded. I'd like to know if you agree with my stand or not.

So here goes:

Yesterday, I had been trying to get a hold of my friend (let's call her Jane) but for some reason, I wasn't getting a response. So, being the clever person I am, I decided I was going to text her boyfriend and see if her phone was dead or something. Like 5 minutes later, I got a phone call from her (go figure). Later that day her boyfriend (let's just call him Joe) texted me and below is how the convo went (the first two are from memory because I somehow deleted them):

Joe: What? You can only text me when you need to get ahold of Jane? I see how it is.

Me: Oh stop being a baby! lol. I'm just more comfortable texting Jane. I always feel weird when I text or call my friends' significant others.

(actual texts below)

J: hmmmm.. be that way.

M: fine. I will. =)

J: So that means we aren't friends so if we ever see eachother, don't look or talk to me, cause i'm just a significant other.

M: No. I didn't say that. I just feel weird when I have to call or text them. It's weird...I know, but that's just me. I love talkin to ya & whatnot when I see ya...I can't explain it. But way to go for making me feel bad. lol

J: And saying im not ur friend makes me feel good?? Fine, I can play woman games too.

M: I didn't say you weren't my friend!! You are...but let me ask you this...do you call or text your best friends gf randomly??

From there, he didn't really answer my question. He said something about he being his own best friend, so yes, because Jane was his "best friends" girl. And then I think he arrived at work, so I didn't hear back from him. This conversation, however, made me want to explain myself a little better, which is why I'm here.

First off, no, I don't randomly call or text my friends' boyfriends. Just like I don't go out of my way to call and text the male friends of mine that have girlfriends. I personally feel it's innappropriate. Why, you might ask? Because we girls are funny creatures and when we find out that our boyfriends are talking via phone with another girl (who happens to be single), some of us tend to get on the defensive and assume things. Granted, not all, but many, and I refuse put any of my friends in that sort of situation. Just because I won't text or call you like I do my other friends doesn't mean I'm not your friend. I'll talk to you, give you hard time, comment you on the oh-so-popular networking sites like I would any other friend, but I will NOT text or call you and I won't be alone with you in any situation. I've sat out in the car before, waiting for one of my girlfriends to get home, because I wasn't comfortable sitting in the house alone with her husband. I absolutely adore her husband. He's an incredible guy, loves her to death, and is a great friend all around, but I wasn't comfortable being alone in the house with just him. Call me weird, but that's just how I am. I know all of my friends trust me, and I know they trust their husband/boyfriends, but I still don't want to be in the sort of situation that would cause any doubt. As I stated earlier, it's not just with my girlfriends' boyfriends - it also includes my MALE friends that are in a relationship. I just dont' want to go there.

So now that I've given you a long-winded story... What's your opinion? Does it all make sense or am I just weird?

Me and my two closest friends (since 1st grade).