In Thought...

Pulaski Days Virgin...

2011-10-08T01:59:00.003-04:00

Even though I was born Dutch and German, today I spent the day like the Polish and let me just say, it was amazing.

Today I joined a good portion of Grand Rapids for their annual "Pulaski Days." For those of you that don't know, it's when the Polish open up their halls to the public for amazing food, beer, and just a grand 'ol time. This is the first year I went and I didn't really know what to expect. I was definitely out of my element when I showed up, but it turned out to be a decent day. After the 4th hall, I finally decided to be brave and try the food. I didn't know what a Pierogie was, Golumpki sounded gross, and Kalpusta sort of frightened me. Finally, after the hunger started kicking in, and I got decent explanations of what each item was, I gave it a shot. Oh. My. Goodness!! The Polish sure know what they're doing in the kitchen!! The food was amazing! I didn't try the Kapusta because that is sauerkraut and I'm not a huge fan, but the Pierogies are little dough like things filled with mashed potatoes. And the Golumpki?? Probably my favorite of the day. Ground beef with onions and some other things cooked inside cabbage and covered in some sort of red sauce. The food just melts in your mouth it's so amazing!

Overall, the experience turned out to be great. Besides the amazing food, they played a ton of polka music, which usually annoys me, but just fit with today's adventure, the company was good and the beer was normal.

I may not be Polish, but I'm going to definitely play like them again next year. Maybe with a few extra people though.

Got Me Thinkin (Pt 2)...

2011-10-05T00:42:00.003-04:00

A few months back, I posted this. I never gave my reasons for not wanting to get pregnant, I just stated that I didn't want to and proceeded to rant about how doctors won't do it....You're fully capable of reading it, so I'm not going to repeat everything I said in the post, but I am going to tell you two main reasons why I chose the "no pregnancy" route and then I'm going to share some new information.

Reason 1: I have Type I diabetes. Not only is it difficult to conceive, but your chances of miscarriage are higher. Also, there is a greater risk of the baby getting diabetes and developing birth defects if a diabetic mother is not careful and allows her "numbers" to get too high. I don't want to be the reason my child ends up with what I have.

Reason 2: I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Pretty much, my hormones are all out of whack. Like with diabetes it is more difficult to conceive and the chances of miscarriage are higher. I don't handle death well, so I can't imagine how I would respond if I had multiple miscarriages.

With my mind made up that I don't want to give birth to children, I decided to see a doctor about my options. I wanted to know as much as I could before I made the final decision to put an end to any possibility of pregnancy. The first thing she said to me was that women of my "demographic" later regret it. Let me rephrase: she said that 90% of those women end up regretting it. She also told me that there are few doctors that would perform the procedure because of my age, the fact that I've never had a child and the fact that I'm still single. Oh yeah, she also said that out of the women that regret it and end up getting the $10,000, money up-front, reversal procedure, only 50% of them end up pregnant. She commended me on thinking it through thoroughly and still being open to adoption, but she also believed that I was making a choice out of fear. Was she right?? Absolutely. I can't deny when someone hits it right on the head. Even now, looking back at my reasons....it's all fear. I fear I'll pass down what I have. I fear miscarriages. I fear the disappointment of that single pink line, over and over. My reasons, no matter how thought out they are, are based in fear.

She also told me that she specializes in high-risk pregnancy (which is what I would be considered) and she said that with the technology and doctors out there, it is VERY possible for a woman with Diabetes and PCOS to have very healthy children. She said it would require a lot of self discipline and monitoring, but it's possible. She doesn't believe that fear should be a factor. At the end of our conversation, she gave me information on different options and ended it with a "I can't tell you what decision to make, I can only give you the facts and options. From there you have to make the decision for yourself."

My appointment got me thinking: Knowing what I now know, if I removed the fear from my "reasons," would I still feel the same way or would I be open to the option of eventually becoming pregnant? It's a good thing I'm still single, because I have a lot to think about....

Broken...

2011-09-22T12:50:00.000-04:00

Broken are the wings of the songbird

What once gave her flight
Has died beneath the surface

Broken is she who's heart was healed

Numb is she who's heart can still feel

Fly once more she wants to do

But flightless she'll be

Til her joy is renewed

I wrote this several months back, but it describes me more now than it did when I wrote it. By nature, I'm a happy, joyful, positive person, but lately I've been feeling like there's a big black cloud above my head that just won't go away. I know what has created the cloud, yet I don't know how to make it disappear. I'm a pretty strong girl. I've had a lot thrown at me in short twenty-something years. For the most part, I've done a great job of handling the things that were thrown my way. I had my struggles and there was a time that I needed doctor intervention to get me back to where I needed to be, but I was able to get past that and I'm stronger because of it. But with what life is dishing out to me now, I almost feel helpless. As much as I try to change my circumstances and replace the ugly in my life, I still come up short. Nothing is changing and I can't seem to get the ugly to go away. I used to be able to find joy in any situation, but now it's a struggle to do so. I want to go back to the way I was before. I want to go back so badly, but I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. Or how I'm supposed to get there. Thankfully, I have great family and friends that will walk beside me til I get back to where I want to be, but I just wish they could tell me how....

The Shallow End...

2011-08-17T15:13:00.002-04:00

Is it shallow of me to NOT settle for something I don't want??

I've always been a "bigger" girl. I've come to accept that and I've grown to love my body (and I'm still trying to make healthy changes to it). With that said, when I spend time with a guy that is MUCH smaller than me and only a couple inches taller than me, I can't help but feel insecure. I can't help but feel like my size is on display. I'm uncomfortable. I become extremely self-conscious. I like the guy. He's different from any other guy I've "dated." He opens the door for me, he refuses to let me pay for anything even when I REALLY try to, and he's just an all around good guy, yet I can't seem to get my mind and heart to move in "that way" towards him. It's more than the weight/height thing too. Here's where I begin to sound really shallow....
He has a few really bad teeth. I am a teeth girl and always have been. I don't mind crooked, or a little yellow, or one or two missing (unless it's the front), but when they are black...I fear that it's a sign of poor hygiene. I can't handle that.

Well, I was talking to a friend today. I was telling her about him (the good and the bad) and she told me I shouldn't care about the size as long as he's a good guy and also that his teeth can be fixed. I stated back (probably quite rudely to her) "Why should *I* have to settle for something less than what I want when people around me don't? When they justify writing someone off because they don't fit in just the right way..." She said that I was right. She said that I shouldn't have to settle. I know what I have to do with this guy. As nice/good as he is, it's just not right for me. In addition to the size/teeth thing, we don't agree on a couple of key issues. So, I know what I have to do, but at the same time, this guy and the conversation I had with my friend have really made me question...Am I just shallow???? I mean, I fully believe that there's a guy out there that's right for me. He'll be the good/decent guy I'm looking for and he'll also possess the physical attributes I'm looking for. I'm not asking for model hot. I'm not even asking for hot. I'm asking for someone that I'm attracted to physically and facially. Someone that I DON'T feel self conscious around. Is it shallow of me to pass on this guy and wait for what I want? I mean, is it??

Conflicted...

2011-05-03T11:34:00.004-04:00

If you're living on planet Earth, then I'm sure you've heard about the death of Osama Bin Laden. If you haven't heard, I suggest you check yourself for a pulse. =)

All joking aside, Osama Bin Laden is dead. Killed by a US Navy SEAL team on May 1, 2011. While I am incredibly proud of the military team for completing this mission and removing this piece of evil from our planet, I am also sad...and terrified. Let me explain.

As an American, I rejoice in the removal of evil from our earth (as I stated earlier). Bin Laden was a coward that brought death and heartache to thousands of Americans through the horrific events that took place on 9/11. He has also terrorized thousands, if not millions, of people from his own land. The man deserved to be brought down and as an American, I stand behind my country proudly shouting "U.S.A!" However, as a Christian, I am saddened. Yes, this man was evil but it states in the Bible, "Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when he stumbles, do not let your heart rejoice." Proverbs 24:17 Even Christ says, "I take no pleasure in the death of anyone...Repent and Live!" Ezekiel 18:32 If Osama never acknowledged his wrong doings and never asked for the forgiveness that Christ offers up for free, then his death means an eternity in hell. Why do we rejoice over that? We are supposed to rejoice when a lost soul is saved, not when it perishes. That is why I am conflicted.

Also, the death of Osama does not mean peace. There will be retaliation. There will be more violence. Even though we, the American people, despised this man, we can't deny the fact that he was loved and followed by many. Those many are now angered and they WILL retaliate. I want our troops home as much as anyone else, but at the same time, I don't want to deal with the retaliation on our land. I wish peace was at our doorstep with this death, but unfortunately it's not. All we can do now is sit back and pray for the safety and return of our troops. That is why I'm terrified.

Got Me Thinkin...

2011-04-19T12:20:00.003-04:00

This one is going to be short and sweet...Can't really elaborate on this thought rolling around in my head.

Over the course of a couple years, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want children. So much so, that I've considered having my tubes tied. No joke. When I brought it up, I was told that nearly every doctor would deny me that. I wouldn't be approved for that because of my age. It would take A LOT of searching to find one that would. That's what got me thinkin...

Why, in this day and age, is it okay to get knocked up (some being younger than me), decide you're "not ready" and then have your baby murdered and removed from your body (with plenty of willing doctors to do the procedure), but it's NOT okay to prevent oneself (who is fully capable of handling the emotional effects) from ever getting pregnant in the first place? Aren't we living in a day of "choice?" I mean, if we're not allowed to deny someone their "choice" to murder their growing baby, then no one should be able to deny me my "choice" to prevent a growing baby. Am I wrong in this thinking??

I'd love to hear other opinions. Even if I've offended you with the way I referred to abortion. I have no apology for that.

Mr. Sunglass Man....

2010-11-21T23:49:00.004-05:00

Dear Mr. I Must Wear Sunglasses Indoors Becuase I Think I'm Cool:

You're not. Don't get me wrong...your sunglasses were hot, and you weren't too bad yourself, but REALLY? I totally get that you want to show off your Ray Bans, but they are sunglasses. Repeat with me... SUNglasses. Yes...SUNglasses...which means when it's cloudy and grey outside, YOU. DON'T. NEED THEM! And if you come indoors on a cloudy grey day, you DEFINITELY don't need them.

Let me state for the record again, you were hot, but something about you keeping your sunglasses on while you were inside totally voided out that hotness. So unless you come into my store with Jon Bon Jovi (the ONE man that I'd totally give a 'sunglasses indoors' pass to), please take 'em off. They make you look like a douche.

Thank you and Sincerely,

The Girl Behind the Counter That Thinks You Look Like a Fool.

Like I Promised...

2010-10-05T21:29:00.005-04:00

Yesterday's post was a tad bit heavy and full of "venom." I promised a happier post today and I always keep my promises.

We have this tree in our yard that has always been a favorite of mine. I've painted it in the winter for art class, I've layed under it many times snapping pictures in summer and I've taken so many pictures of it in the fall that I'm running out of shots (that don't include me actually climbing into the tree). The tree is unique. It's a maple tree, but it's not like any maple tree I've ever seen. You see, this maple tree has a very weird curve in it's trunk. I've lived in this house all my life and all my life the tree has looked the same. I've asked my dad many times how it got it's curve and every time, he doesn't know. Looking at the tree, I would imagine that it got struck by lightning, but I guess I'll never know. Regardless, it's my favorite tree. Being that it was a BEAUTIFUL day here in Michigan, I decided to snap a picture of my tree and share it with you.

We're at a point in Michigan that the weather is starting to get cold and crisp and our days are becoming shorter, but today we were blessed with sunshine and a little bit of warmth. The way the sun shined through the tree made it impossible to not snap a picture.
To me, today was the PERFECT fall day. I will soak it all while I can because before you know it, fall's little brother will be here and the rumor is that he's not going to be very nice this year. So, to all you Michiganders (and non-Michiganders), soak it in and enjoy the beauty!

Just So You're Aware...

2010-10-05T00:49:00.007-04:00

Let me use this post to clear a few things up for *you...

Just because someone has diabetes doesn't mean they are unhealthy!

I'm sure what was said today wasn't meant in the way that it was taken, but it got me going. I'm cool now (for the most part), but I was pretty pissed when you said it. I'm now here to clear some things up for you about my health.

Yes, I have diabetes. Yes, I'm overweight, but overall I am healthy. My cholesterol levels are perfect every single time they're checked. My blood pressure is always spot on (if not a tad low). My lungs are healthy, and all of my organs still function properly (minus the pancreas...obviously). I pay attention to what I eat and try to avoid the processed and "junk" food as much as possible. Am I human and give in from time to time? Absolutely! Does that make me unhealthy? Absolutely not! Sure, I could change a few things, I won't deny that. I could work on getting more sleep and become more active. I'll admit that. But all in all, I'm a healthy 25 year old.

9 years ago, when I was maxed out at nearly 300 pounds, anyone would've had the right to call me unhealthy. Bad cholesterol, bad blood pressure, bad eating habits, bad EVERYTHING! But today?? Absolutely not!! And you were out of line for even saying so. Even if I was the smallest twig in the world, chances are I'd still have diabetes. The diabetes I have is NOT caused by weight, it's caused my genetic makeup. And the weight thing? I don't know if you were even referring to that, but let me make one thing clear. I've come a long freaking way and I'm not going to let your stupid little comment affect my progress. You don't live my life and you don't know my habits, you know I have diabetes. That's it! And having diabetes doesn't make me unhealthy. So stick that in your juice box and suck it!

*The 'you' that this is aimed toward will forever remain anonymous. He'll never, ever see this blog, but I still needed to get it off my chest.

Happy/non-abrasive post coming tomorrow.... =)

....

2010-09-20T01:38:00.002-04:00

I did it. I wasn't ready to do it, but I knew I had to. I deleted him tonight. My heart raced before I confirmed the request and I hestitated, but I followed through. Like that, it was all gone. I think I'm okay. I'll know for sure in the morning....or not. Who knows.... All I really know is, I did it.

If only I could find the 'remove friend' button on my heart....

I Caved...

2010-08-31T02:41:00.006-04:00

I caved. I logged in. And now I'm thinking it wasn't the best idea.... All it took was one picture and one caption to make my heart sink. All it took was one picture and one caption to send me back to the way I was feeling before I quit Facebook.

I thought I'd be okay. I thought I could sign in and be fine. I was wrong. Just a little backtracking here.... There were a couple reasons why I left Facebook.

1) I was neglecting my devotions and prayer time.
2) I had recently been hurt by a guy and wanted wipe him from my life for awhile....I wanted to get away until I was ready to delete him from my Facebook. I wanted to go back to being that girl that wasn't checking his facebook everytime I logged on to see who he was talking to. There it is. I've admitted it. Yeah...I was doing that.

Anyway... It was fine at first, but then on the right side of my page it started showing me friends that had been tagged in pictures. Can you guess who the first person was?? None other than the guy that hurt me. Go figure! So what did stupid Leah do? You guessed it! She clicked. This is where my heart sank. The picture was of him and his "ex" walking to the beach in Saugatuck. On the same path that he and I took. It's more than just the path though. Seeing that picture just made every assumption I made about our time together feel that much truer. Maybe I'm just being silly here (because I KNOW that nothing between us would have been right for me), but it hurt. It felt like a slap in the face. It made the feeling of getting played by him that much stronger. I spent six weeks with this guy thinking that he had a genuine interest in me and seeing this picture is proof that I was wrong.

Please don't misunderstand me. I don't want to go running to him or anything. It's not like that. I really am happy. I love my life, I love my job, and I have a great group of friends and an amazing family. I'm truly happy, but seeing the picture brings so much to the surface. It brings a lot of hurt to the surface. The hurt that comes from knowing that there are people out there that don't find "worth" in you. The hurt that comes from thinking about the time invested in someone when all you were to them was a game. And the hurt that comes from wondering if it's all going to be worth it in the end, wondering if your "number" will ever be called. Even after seeing the picture I can't delete him. I probably sound like a pathetic little high schooler, but I can't delete him yet. Which brings me to the whole point of this post....

I don't think I'm ready to be back on Facebook yet....

I'm Home...

2010-08-13T01:30:00.006-04:00

You know the feeling of relief you get when you walk in the front door of your home after being gone on a very busy, very stressful trip?? You know, where you just take a deep breath and exhale a wisper of "I'm home?"
Yeah, I had that today.

When Movie Gallery started liquidating the stores, there was a rumor that Family Video would take over the location in Sparta. Then that rumor was confirmed. Before my store even closed permanently, I had an application into Family Video. After they closed, I got an interview, passed the test they make you take and got hired in. From there it's been a crazy, crazy whirlwind of trying to transition from the way I was used to (Movie Gallery) to a better way (Family Video). I had to start cramming a LOT of new information into my little brain in a very short amount of time. While all of this is going on, I had an interview with the Regional Manager and got the position of assistant manager for the Sparta location (the same location that my Movie Gallery was at and the same location I applied to with Family Video). So now, not only do I have to learn all sorts of new information that any regular employee must learn, but I must also learn a lot of the assistant manager information. Let me tell you, it has been a CRAZY ride!! Fun, but crazy.

Then today happened. After being shipped around to all sorts of locations for my training, I was finally sent to Sparta for the Grand Opening. I was on cloud nine all day long. Some of you may think that I'm absolutely nuts, but I couldn't wait to be back there. I missed everyone. I don't work with any of the same people, but most of the customers are the same. Getting to see their faces today made me so happy. They really have no idea how much I missed all of them. And I can't really tell them...it might sound kind of crazy. For real though, I had worked at MG for four years. I got to know so many of the customers so well that it felt like I was leaving family. One of the previous regulars came in and he topped my day off. He showed just as much excitement to see me as I did to see him. He told me that he was worried no one familiar would be working, but then he saw me through the window and couldn't wait to get inside. It was like a mini family reunion. We hugged and laughed and talked...and then of course, he signed up and rented movies. =)

Seriously, as I said before, I felt like I was on cloud nine all day long. Then my shift ended. I walked out to my car, got in, sat down, smiled and said to myself.... I'm home.

Enough is Enough...

2010-08-11T22:07:00.006-04:00

The Duggars. I'm sure you've heard that name before. If not, let me fill you in. They got a reality TV show called "17 and counting." Now they're up to 19. That's not all.... THEY WANT ANOTHER!! This is wrong for MANY reasons!

Number ONE
They already have 19. Should I have to say any more???

Number TWO
She is 43. Not that age should be a big deal, but there are already signs that her body has had enough. The last baby, baby 19, was born 3 months premature. Why? Because Mommy Dearest Duggar had pre-eclampsia! The poor child spent the first six months of her life in a hospital with many life threatening issues including a perforated bowel. Which brings me to:

Number THREE
It's not fair to the children that you're bringing into this world if they're going to have a life full of medical issues because of your selfishness.

Am I being harsh? Probably, but I don't care!! I'm all for family values and seeing children as God's blessing, but there has got to come a point when you decide that enough is enough and you start taking into consideration the health of yourself and your children. Personally, I think this has become more of a selfishness issue than anything else. They've made money off of their situation and we all know that they'll make more the more children they have. Why the heck do you think "and counting" is at the end of their show title? I think it's sick and shameful. Take care of your children and get off TV and out of the magazines. Think about the health and lives of those children rather than the green you may see. Yes, God wants us to bring life into this world, but at the same time, he created the human that created birth control...See THAT as one of His many wonderful blessings as well!!

Love...

2010-07-29T18:20:00.001-04:00

What is love??

Everyone has their own idea of what love is. For a few, it's a feeling in the pit of their stomach, the ache to be near. For some, love is knowing that you can trust and rely on that person 100%. And for others love comes with the knowledge that you want that person in your life, regardless of the ups and downs that may come your way. It can pop into your life without warning or slowing build it's way into your heart. Sometimes, it even lies dormant until you decide to acknowlege it. When it does come into your life though, it changes you. It makes you a little stronger.

So many of the fairy tales out there are about finding love in a man. These girls go through many struggles, but then a man appears. Once that man comes into their life everything becomes perfect and they live "happily ever after." Movies even try to convince us that the best love is found in someone that you can spend your nights with, they seem to eqivalate good sex with love. Both the fairy tales and the movie industry have missed the boat when it comes to love. They're missing the big picture.

For years, I've wanted (and still want) a strong relationship with a man. I want to "fall in love." I want to feel like I'm worth coming home to, and I want someone to come home to. I've always thought that real love comes when you meet "the right one" and finding him would be the best dream come true. Just like the movies and fairytales, I've missed the big picture. I've been so worried about finding the "right one" that I haven't spent enough time focusing on the love already in my life.

I have parents that would take the world on their back to see me happy and protected. I have friends that sit and listen to my insane rants about life and love and how miserable it can be sometimes. I have friends that look at me and in that single instant know if it's a good or bad day. They know my heart, they know my dreams, and sometimes, without telling them, they know my feelings. I have people all around me that LOVE me. And I do in fact love them. Most I would be willing to lay my life down for. I would do everything in my power to make sure they are taken care of, even if it means sacrificing some of my own pleasures. The ones I'm talking about, the ones closest to me, I can trust with my heart, my life, my tears. I know their intentions are not to harm me. Most of all, I've experience a true God that hears my cries and comforts me through it all. He doesn't judge the way I look or the imperfections that taunt me. He loves me. They love me. Clear and simple. Despite all of this, I search and I long for the one "right" love that will make my "dreams come true," rather than looking in front of me and seeing the love that's already there. The love that will always be there. Sometimes, I take their love for granted. I may never find the love that every girl dreams about, but I can hold strong in the knowledge that I'm loved. If a man shows up that can love me the same way my family and closest friends do, I will accept him with open arms, but if it never comes, I will remember that I still have love. From my God, my family and my friends. I have love.

Buh-Bye Facebook...

2010-07-28T21:54:00.004-04:00

I took a big step on Monday and deactivated my Facebook account. It's only been two days and I'm having "withdrawls." I knew Facebook consumed a large amount of my time, but I didn't realize HOW addicted to it I was. Even as I type this, I want to sign in and just pick up where I left off, but I'm determined to use self control and dicipline. I'm sure the urge to sign in will subside once I've been away from it for awhile, but right now it's just so strong.

I told my friends and family that while I'm away from it, I will use the new "free time" on my daily devotions and prayer. I guess that means it's time to shut down the computer and do just that.

2010-07-20T00:34:00.002-04:00

Am I ever going to get it right? Will the well of insecurities ever run dry? For my heart's sake, I'd sure like to know....

Dear Heart, Sometimes I Hate You....

2010-05-31T11:59:00.000-04:00

I'm beginning to think I should change the description of my blog to "A journey through the boy drama of a twenty-something." It seems like that's the only semi-interesting thing I've had to write about lately. And here I go again (insert eye-rolling)...

1 year ago: Met boy. Enjoyed boy's company. After a couple weeks, went on date w/ boy. After date, told said boy that I liked him and would love to get to know him better. Boy agreed. Boy then left for another country. Boy did not follow through. Girl later finds out that boy started seeing another girl. After everything is said and done, girl #1 ended up with a broken heart. (Just so ya know, the details are a lot more intricate than what I'm giving you, but for the sake of your sanity, I'll spare you...)

6 months ago: Boy comes home from foreign country. Girl sees him and heart aches (Yes, literally.) Girl knows he's seeing someone else. Girl tells herself to accept it and move on (and finds all sort of reasons why he's not 'right' for her). Girl accepts and moves on.

2 days ago: Or so she thinks....

I saw him again and that same ache came back. The convincing didn't work: I still have feelings for him, which brought me to today's post. For once, I'd love to convince myself of something and have my heart follow suit. I personally think it's a brilliant idea, but for now my heart disagrees.
I know these feelings will eventually go away (even if I never get answers), but I'd prefer the 'eventually' to become more immediate. Then maybe I'd be able to have a real conversation with him without feeling like I'm going to burst...I'd be able to be myself 100%. Any ideas on how to speed up the process??

Another brilliant idea: maybe I should move to a foreign country, then I can avoid this whole situation all together. Not a likely plan, but brilliant (to me).

The Sweetest Thing...

2010-05-17T22:54:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, the sweetest things happen at just the right moment; just when you need it the most.
I have a friend that runs an AFS (adult foster care) and I am there atleast once a week. I've slowly started to get to know the clients, but a couple weeks ago they got a new client and I haven't really had a chance to get to know him yet. One thing I DO know about him though, he LOVES to color pictures. On Sunday my friend told me at church that she had a picture for me in the truck. It turns out, he colored a picture for ME and asked her to give it to me.
After the week I had, I considered this a little ray of sunshine. It definitely brought a smile to my face. Someone that has only met me once displayed a simple kindness through his picture. It really brightened my day.
It just goes to show that no matter how bad the day (or week, or month, or year) is, God will always bring little blessings into our life. It's our responsibility to start counting them. I'm definitely going to work on being more aware of mine. =)

A Piece of my Heart.

2010-05-12T02:04:00.009-04:00

When all you want to do is cry, you take another step forward. You rely on the strength of God to get you to tomorrow.
When you think your heart can't take anymore, you press on. Believing that one day it will be worth the pain.
We can't predict the future and we can't prevent any pain, but we can continue to pray, and He'll get us through another day.

Slowly, that's something I'm learning. I'm experiencing a hurt that I've never experienced before. Sure, I've experienced "heartbreak" and disappointment before, but this....this is something I've brought to myself. I've allowed my heart to go further than what I knew was right. I allowed myself to hope for more than I knew one could give. I made a promise to be his friend, and I lost the main focus along the way.
I got lost in the way he made me laugh and the way we could talk. I got lost in the way he made me feel when he'd show up to say hi or send me a quick text asking how my day went. I got caught up and let my guard down and my heart got swooped up. My mom told me that the flesh is weak, but she didn't mean in a physical/body way. She just meant that the heart tends to give in, even though it's not right, when it finds something that it has desired for a long time. It aquires feelings that shouldn't be there and that's when we get ourselves in trouble. That's when we get hurt.
Going into said friendship, I thought there was an interest in me. Turns out he just wanted to be friends. I was disappointed, but I was also cool with that. Then I find out he's atheist, which is completely opposite of everything I believe. Red flags go up and my logic says "NO!" So I told myself over and over that this was just going to be a friendship. It had to be. There was no way I would have feelings for him. I was sure I was brought into his life for particular reason, so I accepted this friendship and continued on. Then he did what no guy has ever really done. He made me feel special. He was honest with me. He was himself. He made me laugh til I was in stitches. None of this was him putting on an act...and my flesh broke. I started having feelings for him. I foolishly started hoping that there would be this "Gotchya!" moment with the whole atheism thing. Where he'd come out and say "Haha! Just jokin!," but in my heart of hearts, I knew it wouldn't happen.
What did I do next? I pushed on...I continued in this friendship, never uttering a word of my feelings, but the moment I get the text that he's hanging out with a new girl, I crumble. What else did I expect?
I spent three days crying, trying to forget that I did this to myself. I wanted to burst, I wanted to scream, and I wanted to spill it to SOMEONE...but I couldn't. I had no one that I felt safe enough with. So I took a drive on the third day and I ended up at this beautiful dam. The sun was shining and all I could hear was the rush of the water. I found a bench and I pulled out my journal. For two hours I cried, I wept, I wrote and I prayed. I prayed. I prayed. During this time, I realized that the entire time I let this tear me apart, my best friend was patiently waiting for me to come to HIM. I finally did. My prayers went up. My prayers, my cries, and my pain. They were heard. I don't know what His answer will be, but I'm willing to wait for it. I just wished I would have gone to Him first. When I left the dam, I had this great peace and it's something I'm trying to maintain everyday. Only through my prayers will it continue though. I know that now.

These last couple months I've been thinking that I was brought into this guy's life to help him in some way, which still might be the case, but more importantly, this guy was brought into my life to help change ME. To make me aware of some things that I've been too "blind" to pay attention to. God's not done. I'm not done. I will just go back into this a little more cautiously and a LOT more guarded.
It still hurts a little when he talks about her, but I can't blame him. He knew nothing about my feelings and we were both supposed to be under the impression that this would only ever be a friendship, but I can honestly say that I didn't hold up my end and I've learned my lesson. I won't stop being his friend. Genuine friend. I will continue to pray for strength. I will continue to pray for wisdom, and I will continue daily communication with my best friend. No matter how trivial or embarrassing it seems to be.
One thing I've learned so far...It's best to start with Him than wait til things get out of control....

What If I'm doing it Wrong...

2010-03-19T14:52:00.002-04:00

So, I've started talking to this guy. Funny guy he is, and I really enjoy talking to him, but there are times (like right now) that I wonder if I'm doing it wrong. I know that probably sounds totally weird, but that's what's going through my mind. Right now I'm just trying to view it as a new friendship and nothing more, but I still worry that I'm going about it all wrong. It's been a long time since I've made "new" friends that I didn't see on a daily basis, let alone talk to on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at making friends and maintaining those friendships, but at the same time, most of those friendships don't consist of texts. There's actually one-on-one human time involved. So with this whole text thing, I worry... Am I asking too much? Am I not saying enough? Am I supposed to let him ask me questions or just offer up information about myself? Does it make me an absolutely absurd 24-year-old for not knowing the answer to these things? I feel like a child again...
I've made a promise to myself (and told a few important people in my life) that I'm not going to get ahead of myself on this one. I'm not going to get my hopes up. I'm gonna take it one day at a time and get to know him. Build a friendship, 'cuz honestly, I don't know if I'm ready for anything else right now in my life. With that said, I still don't want to run him off because I appear to be a babbling idiot that has no clue as to what she's doing....

Again with the Trusting...

2010-03-02T13:17:00.006-05:00

I feel like there's a big black cloud above my head. As I sit and wait to hear on the future of my unemployment there's this anxiety rising up inside me. I'm going through all of the scenarios of what will happen if I lose it (my unemployment, not my sanity) and it scares me. I have been filling out applications and trying to find a SECOND part time job (because I've had no luck finding full-time employment) just in case something happens, but I've had no luck snagging one yet. I've got two weeks before I know for sure if I continue receiving it or not. While there are moments (many, many moments) that I want to scream and cry and get angry, I'm trying my best not to (kind of failing on the crying part). I have been learning more and more to trust God and this is a scenario where I have to do it again. I don't know what'll happen if I lose my unemployment. I don't know what God has lined up for me and yet I keep trusting. It's hard for me. It's scary, but when the world around me seems to be falling apart, the only thing I have left is to trust Him. I'll do what I can, I put as much effort into it as possible, but after that, I have to trust that God is going to use my work and fulfill his purpose for me. And even though I know he's not going to let me "drown," there are times when I feel like I will. I'm just looking forward to having this big black cloud gone. Gone so I can, once again, live my life without the fear of what tomorrow will bring. Without the anxiety and tears. Until then, all I can do is trust. And trust some more.

The Note You'll Never Read...

2010-01-18T18:00:00.003-05:00

To You (you know who you are),
I know I'm imperfect; I've never tried to hide my flaws from anybody. I know I do things you don't like, but that doesn't determine who I am as a person. Stop making me feel that way. I'm trying hard to change - to be better, but I don't think you'll ever take notice. There's always another thing, another flaw. Either I'm doing something wrong, or it's not in the time frame you wanted. I know I'm a burden to you, and if not, you sure make me feel like I am. I just wish things were different. I wish I could look you in the eye and respect you like I should, but it's so hard when I feel like this. When YOU make me feel like this. There's not much more I can do, and not much more I can say, I think it'll always be this way. I'm just counting the days til I can get out, but I don't know how much more I can take...I will continue to pray. Whether you change or not, I am determined to be the better person. I am determined to change what I can about myself. As a wise woman once told ME - "I am not the equivalent of my flaws" the same holds true for me. I just wish you knew me enough to see that. Someday....Maybe. I hope.
Sincerely,
The girl I wish you knew better.

What's goin on...

2009-12-20T23:25:00.002-05:00

A few posts back (seems like forever ago) I mentioned that I would let you all know what's been going on with me and why I've been missing from the blogsphere. When I posted that, everything I was dealing with was still very fresh and I wasn't ready/willing to share it with the world (or blogger world in this case), but I think I'm finally at a point where I'm ready.

Back in February I was permanently laid of from my job of four years. A job I had come to love and enjoy. It was completely out of the blue and due to the downturn of the economy. My initial thought when it happened was "What am I going to do? I have a car payment, bills, life, meds, etc." I was scared out of my mind. Then they told me that they weren't going to fight my unemployment and they sent me off with a severence package. It eased my worries a little, but I was still scared out of my mind. My big thing was the seperation. I have a tendency to bond to people quickly and when I do, I invest. My time, my friendship, and in this case, even some of my tears. The people I worked with were like another family to me. We weren't a very large company so it was very easy to make friends and maintain those friendships. The workplace was like another home. There was a comfort there and in an instant, it was gone.
I went from having a decent income and not really worrying about my bills (I was even going to be out on my own in a year) to consistantly trusting the Lord and praying that he would provide my NEEDS. I went from having daily interactions with everyone there to feeling like a chunk of my heart had been ripped out. I wouldn't really say it then, but I was a wreck. I would tell people about the "silver lining" of my ordeal (school) and would tell them I missed the people, but no one knew of the nights I cried alone because I was so afraid of where this journey was going to lead me. Afraid that they were going to forget me. I didn't tell them of the days that I felt like going back and begging for my job because I was afraid of starting over.
There are still a few things I fear in regards to all of this, but I've been trying more and more to turn that fear into trust. Trust that the Lord will continue to come through. I say continue because he has come through. I've been able to pay my bills. I still have my car, I'm able to maintain my child-sponsorship, and I'm still afloat. I may not have the money for some of life's extra's, but I can pay my bills. I still hear from the girls at the office periodically and when I stop in, they are thrilled to see me. They haven't forgot about me and I'm so very happy about that. It hasn't been an easy thing for me, but the initial shock, pain and fear have subsided.
I'm now in college and working toward "the better life." I'm pursuing more relationships (friendships) and trying to get more plugged into the church. I'm trying to take this terrible situation and turn it into a positive. I may not know the plans He has for me, but I'm going to trust Him to lead me. It won't always be easy. I won't always want to go. In fact, I'm sure there will be more worries, pain and tears down the road, but for now I'm okay. That's all I can ask for right now. =)

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

Another Location

2009-09-30T16:02:00.003-04:00

Hello to my (few) loyal readers. I am posting today to let you know that I now have a new blog. It's not REPLACING this one, it's just an added bonus to this blog. As most of you already know, I have started college. The new blog is going to be just about that. I will continue to post here periodically, but my main focus, for now, is going to be school and the blog that goes with it. =)

Much Love,
Leah

Seriously??

2009-08-25T20:55:00.003-04:00

I'll be the first to admit that I have trust issues. Some of it stems from childish behavior displayed by people that I called friends in school. Granted, I was one that had my part in repeating things that I shouldn't have. I won't deny it, but it seemed to happen a lot to me. I mean, there are other reasons why I have trust issues, but I'll not get into them here. Some recent events have caused me to feel like I'm back in school again. I don't know why this is such an issue for people. Is it really THAT hard to be someone's friend and keep quiet when something is said to you in confidence??? Seriously, is it? I saw this recent person as someone I could trust, I mean, really trust. Apparently not. It frustrates me to NO END when I can't trust my friends. I'm almost tempted to go back to my old ways and just stay silent. Keep everything close to me silent. Every wish, every dream, every fear, every mistake; everything. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of hearing through the grapevine that some of my words are being repeated. There's a reason why I went so many years without opening up; it's safer and less painful to be silent. Maybe I should start again....

Baby Steps...

2009-08-10T18:34:00.002-04:00

I'm sure by now, those of you who read my blog have noticed that I've been missing for the last 6 months or so. I haven't completely forgotten about this thing, I just haven't been able to organize my thoughts/control my emotions enough to say what I want to say on here. If you hang in with me for just a little longer, I'll fill you in with what's been going on. I promise I'm slowly working my way back.

Much Love,
Leah

Ahhh...

2009-02-10T13:23:00.005-05:00

Today is so wonderful. It's 58 degrees with blue skies, sunshine, and very little snow left on the ground. Not something we usually have on a normal day in February, here in Michigan. I went out on my lunch and it was so refreshing; a little windy, but still refreshing.

It makes me wish for Spring to come a little sooner...

I'm Beyond Disturbed...

2009-02-06T10:18:00.004-05:00

Abortion: one of the few topics that can really get my blood pressure up. I find it to be wrong on so many levels and then, today, I read this.

This post isn't to get a debate going about whether you think it's wrong or right (though if you really want to have that discussion, I'd be more than willing to sit down with you sometime...), but it's definitely a vent for me.

I sat there reading that article with my mouth hanging open!! HOW COULD SOMEONE DO THAT??? I would personally hold the doctor, the moron that tossed the baby out (just typing that turns my stomach), and the mother all accountable! Yes, even the mother. She's filed a lawsuit against the clinic (which I can understand), but she was still alert. Why didn't she speak up? Why didn't she DO or SAY something to make that employee stop?!?! I DON'T GET IT! IT WAS A BABY! A LIVING HUMAN BEING! The article says, "Williams struggled with the decision to have an abortion," and "'She came face to face with a human being....And that changed everything.' " Did it? Really? Then why didn't she do more? And how could the guy that tossed her (the baby) justify what he was doing? Is he so inhumane that he thinks this was okay? I know I'm already going off on a rant here, but let me point something else out that really bothers me. Williams (the mother) went to the clinic because "'She concluded she didn't have the resources or maturity to raise a child.'" Now, I don't judge you if you're sexually active, I don't judge you if you're "pro-choice," (though I'm likely to debate you on it...), and I won't judge you if you are thinking of having, or would have, an abortion (though I'd be likely to try to talk you out of it), but I have a HUGE problem with girls that get an abortion because they don't have the "resources or maturity" to raise a child. THEN WHY WERE YOU HAVING SEX IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?! It's a logical question. There's always a chance of pregnancy when you're messing around. If you're going to do it, protect yourself or prepare yourself for the responsibility that comes with it and if that time comes, either take responsiblilty or GIVE THE BABY UP! There are SO many couples out there that can't have children of their own and by aborting a child, you're just taking away another chance of theirs to have a family.

I could seriously go on forever, but I'll spare you.

I cringe because 30 babies are aborted (killed) per second in the U.S...

But I smile because my mother chose ME!

Have a Blessed Day!

That's Just How It Is...

2009-02-05T10:05:00.005-05:00

Before I get into this post, I just want to say that I don't question my decision, I'm just curious as to how the rest of you would have responded. I'd like to know if you agree with my stand or not.

So here goes:

Yesterday, I had been trying to get a hold of my friend (let's call her Jane) but for some reason, I wasn't getting a response. So, being the clever person I am, I decided I was going to text her boyfriend and see if her phone was dead or something. Like 5 minutes later, I got a phone call from her (go figure). Later that day her boyfriend (let's just call him Joe) texted me and below is how the convo went (the first two are from memory because I somehow deleted them):

Joe: What? You can only text me when you need to get ahold of Jane? I see how it is.

Me: Oh stop being a baby! lol. I'm just more comfortable texting Jane. I always feel weird when I text or call my friends' significant others.

(actual texts below)

J: hmmmm.. be that way.

M: fine. I will. =)

J: So that means we aren't friends so if we ever see eachother, don't look or talk to me, cause i'm just a significant other.

M: No. I didn't say that. I just feel weird when I have to call or text them. It's weird...I know, but that's just me. I love talkin to ya & whatnot when I see ya...I can't explain it. But way to go for making me feel bad. lol

J: And saying im not ur friend makes me feel good?? Fine, I can play woman games too.

M: I didn't say you weren't my friend!! You are...but let me ask you this...do you call or text your best friends gf randomly??

From there, he didn't really answer my question. He said something about he being his own best friend, so yes, because Jane was his "best friends" girl. And then I think he arrived at work, so I didn't hear back from him. This conversation, however, made me want to explain myself a little better, which is why I'm here.

First off, no, I don't randomly call or text my friends' boyfriends. Just like I don't go out of my way to call and text the male friends of mine that have girlfriends. I personally feel it's innappropriate. Why, you might ask? Because we girls are funny creatures and when we find out that our boyfriends are talking via phone with another girl (who happens to be single), some of us tend to get on the defensive and assume things. Granted, not all, but many, and I refuse put any of my friends in that sort of situation. Just because I won't text or call you like I do my other friends doesn't mean I'm not your friend. I'll talk to you, give you hard time, comment you on the oh-so-popular networking sites like I would any other friend, but I will NOT text or call you and I won't be alone with you in any situation. I've sat out in the car before, waiting for one of my girlfriends to get home, because I wasn't comfortable sitting in the house alone with her husband. I absolutely adore her husband. He's an incredible guy, loves her to death, and is a great friend all around, but I wasn't comfortable being alone in the house with just him. Call me weird, but that's just how I am. I know all of my friends trust me, and I know they trust their husband/boyfriends, but I still don't want to be in the sort of situation that would cause any doubt. As I stated earlier, it's not just with my girlfriends' boyfriends - it also includes my MALE friends that are in a relationship. I just dont' want to go there.

So now that I've given you a long-winded story... What's your opinion? Does it all make sense or am I just weird?

Me and my two closest friends (since 1st grade).

This I Can Handle...

2009-02-04T11:25:00.008-05:00

As most you already know, I am not a huge fan of President Obama. I don't agree with the majority of his ideas, morals, plans, etc. However; I did run across an article today that made me smile. It's probably the first idea of his that I would encourage and support.

With all the bailouts going on in this nation, it's about time someone tried to put a lock on ridiculous things (like multi-billion dollar bonuses). My favorite line is "'In ordinary situations where the taxpayers money is not involved, we shouldn't set executive pay,' said Sen. Richard Shelby of Alabama, the top Republican in the Senate Banking Committee. 'But where you've got federal money involved, taxpayers' money involved, TARP money involved, and the way they have spent it, with no accountability, is getting close to being criminal.'" I totally agree!! If they want to take their profit and give every employee a million dollar raise, that's their choice, but when the money is coming off the backs of the taxpayers, then guidelines and restrictions need to be set. I'm hoping this plan goes off without a hitch.

Now if only we could get someone to do something about all of the (part-time) politicians' wages. =)

Footballs and Groundhogs...

2009-02-02T09:16:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was Superbowl XLIII. Today is Groundhog Day. Not that they have anything in common, I just thought I'd put it out there for those of you that didn't know. =)

I didn't watch the game last night. I was going to, but a friend that I haven't seen in long time invited me over to hang out with her and her grandbaby, so I did. It was nice, and we had some good conversation. I do have to say though, I was bummed about missing the commercials. They're the BEST part of the whole stinking game! And my team lost. That kind of sucked. I'm a Packers fan, but if they're not in the "big game," I root for the team that everyone expects to lose, unless the two teams are evenly matched, then I root for the team with the better colors (totally girly, I know). My dad told me about the game and I'm quite proud of what the Cardinals did and how they came around, but I was still disappointed that they lost. What can ya do, right?
And Groundhog Day....let me just say that I really don't get how this is a "national holiday." I mean, we're celebrating a day that lets a rodent determine how many more weeks of winter we'll have... Who's bright idea was that?? The whole day cracks me up. What's even funnier is the fact that 40,000 people got up this morning and went out (starting at 3 AM) to watch a rodent look for his shadow when the sun came up. 40,000!!! Hearing that this morning on the radio, I decided to go online and search this day out because there are only 4 things I know about this day.

1. A rodent looks for his shadow and that determines how many more weeks of winter is left.
2. There's a movie in which Bill Murray finds himself living Groundhog Day over and over. I find the movie very funny.
3. We use to color cool pictures in grade school to "celebrate" this day.
4. This tradition has been going on for many, many years.

In my search, I found out that in Punxsutawney, PA (where it originates) they have 4 days worth of "events" to celebrate. 4 days!! I also found out that Phil (the rodent) saw his shadow today, and we have six more weeks of winter, supposedly (they don't live in Michigan, obviously). I stopped "researching" after seeing pictures of the main event, because I just couldn't bear the craziness of it anymore... People actually dressed in costume for this, check the pics out yourself.

Anyway, nothing too thrilling, but those are my thoughts for the day. To all you Cardinal fans, my hearts go out to you. To everyone else: HAPPY RODENT DAY! =)

A Light? Or Part of the Darkness?

2009-01-12T14:50:00.011-05:00

For those of you that read this blog and claim Christianity, I have one question for you.

Are you a light in the darkness or do you add to it?

This is not a question that needs to be answered to me or outloud, but it is a question that requires each one of us to search our hearts, our actions, and our words. And yes, there is a reason I'm asking this question.

Recently, I have been communicating with a guy I met on New Year's Eve. The majority of our communication was through texts, and then last week Tuesday, we talked on the phone. The conversation was going along smoothly, (I'm not going to get into some of the specifics because those pieces of our conversation belong to him and I don't have his permission to post them publicly), and then it came up that I was raised in a Christian home. He asked me point blank if I was a Christian and I responded honestly; I am. That's when the talk turned in a differnt direction. We talked about beliefs and why he believes what he believes, why I believe what I believe, etc. Through that portion of our talk, I sensed (through things he said) that he had been hurt severely by people claiming to be Christians. At one point in the conversation, he called them hypocrites. He said that if they followed the Bible, then they would treat people kinder and wouldn't turn their backs when someone had a differing view. To an extent, he was right. I tried to apologize and tell him that I wasn't one of them, but I don't know how much of that he really caught, and if he did, how much of it he really believed. I'm not naiive, I know that there are people out there that claim to be Christians, and yet they do turn their backs, they do live a life of hypocricy, and they do hurt the ones that need us to love them the most. I can honestly say it breaks my heart that, because of them, the "water of Christianity" has been polluted.
After that, the phone call was pretty much over. I was trying to process things in my mind and so I was rather silent; unsure of what to say. Afraid that I may have offended him somehow. So, we hung up and I went to bed. The thought process didn't stop there though. Our conversation really got me thinking. Am I a Christian that lives the way the Bible tells me to live? Do I live with compassion and respect for others, regardless of their beliefs? Do I live by the same set of standards I ask of them? Am I a light in the darkness? Or do I live a life of hypocricy and turn my back when I disagree with them and their belief? Do I add to the darkness?

I believed in my heart that I try my best to be a light, but I needed an outside opinion, so I talked with some people that know me best and are most honest with me (Christian and non-Christian), and they also believe I live the talk. I know I'm flawed, and I make mistakes in my own life, but I honestly believe that I have the love and compassion for those who are hurting and searching for something. I honestly believe that I live what I speak. I believe I live the life Christ has asked of me. So if you're a Christian reading this, I have to ask; which category do you fall into? Please ask yourself that and pay very close attention to how that will impact the life of someone that is hurting, or unsure of what he believes. Through our words, actions, and life, we may be the deciding factor.

If you're reading this and have been hurt by the church, hurt by the walls of religion, or hurt by people claiming to be Christians I just want to tell you how truly sorry I am. I am sorry if we weren't there for you in your darkest hour. I am sorry if we "preached" one thing and lived the opposite of that. I am sorry if you reached out for a hand and we pulled ours away. I am sorry; I am sorry; I am sorry. I have no excuse for that. That is not how we are called to act, and over time, I truly hope you are able to forgive us. My hope is that you find a Christian friend that shows you the love, compassion, and respect that you deserve.

Untitled

2009-01-06T16:46:00.006-05:00

I feel the beat of my excited heart
My mind goes racing to places in a dream
But deep inside I still fear
That what is today
Will be taken tomorrow
I'll be left in the cold
Hurt and painfully broken
Trying to climb my way back
To the way it once was
It's a game that is played
With my heart and my tears
Given to tease and then taken away
After it's gone
I fight back the tears
Wondering if it's the last
And for how many years?
When will I feel again
That race in my heart
Knowing someone is thinking of me
And they have from the start
It doesn't come often
And I hate when it leaves
Is this really the life meant for me?
I try to find comfort
In only His arms
But I feel like a failure
'Cause I feel incomplete
And I so still desire
To fill this void inside my heart
I don't know what's in store
And afraid to find out
The tears will fall
Time will pass by
And I'll try not to think
That this is my life
Uncertain of the future
Alone will I be
I wish I had the answers
For the questions inside me

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow????

2008-12-19T10:18:00.005-05:00

"Oh, the weather outside is frightful..." I'll stop there. It's been a few months since my last post, but today feels like the perfect day to post. Today is the sort of day I wish I were still in Texas, or in Hawaii...or any place that the temp is above freezing and there's NOT 10 inches of snow and it's still falling...Yeah. Welcome to Michigan.

The above is the radar for Michigan today. This storm is just barely half way finished, and let me tell you - it's NASTY out there. I'm looking out my window at work and it's coming down hard. My trip into work took about an hour and 20 minutes when it's usually only a half hour drive. I had to stop 3 times to clear of my windshield and wiper blades, and at one point, I wasn't even sure which southbound lane I was in...I was probably riding in both of 'em. Yeah...it's that bad. I don't think it's going to get any better for most of the day. I will admit, it's really pretty...but it's cold and the roads are HORRIBLE. So, to all of you Michiganders out there in this stuff...drive slow and be safe (and have fun if you've got snow "toys"). For all of you other people NOT affected by this weather - I'd be more than willing to ship some your way. =0)

Have a Blessed Day (whether it be white or not).
LB

You Have GOT to be Kidding Me!!!

2008-09-12T13:14:00.002-04:00

I don't usually post more than once per day, but on my drive back to work from lunch, I heard Ryan Seacrest on the radio talking about this new book that has come out and it ticked me off SO much, I just HAD to blog about it. The book is written by a new author, Dante Moore and the title of the book is: The Re-Education of the Female." Supposedly, it's a book that guides single women in their quest for a relationship, and how to find a "great catch" and keep him. Before I continue, this man took a whole 7 months **wow! shocker!** (note sarcasm) to "research" it. I haven't read it yet, but from the little I've heard about it, it didn't take much research at all because it seems to be pure opionion of his. There seems to be nothing to support what he claims. So here goes my opinion:

First: I think the man is a less than intelligent human being when it comes to relationships and women (aka: an idiot). The first thing that bothers me about this book is what he has to say about what it takes to find a "great catch" and keep him (what I heard on the radio) : "Your responsibilities (!!) include cooking, staying skinny, wearing sexy things around the house and doing whatever your man tells you to do." He also goes on to say "Here's a little secret ladies: men never really ask for anything. They command...And believe me, what you won't do, ten broads around the corner will." Wait...WHAT?!? There are SO many things wrong with that statement!!!! First, if you're going to write a book to women, you DON'T call them broads. Secondly, if the man that you "catch" is willing to run to the "10 broads around the corner" when his woman isn't willing to bow to his every command, then he's not really a catch!!! **moron** It's call loyalty and commitment. They are essential cornerstones to a great relationship! I could go on with everything wrong with this statement, but I'm going to move on...I can feel my blood pressure rising as we speak, but I think you get my point.

The second thing that bothers me is the fact that he says he would prefer someone "...size 10 or under..." Okay...so that statement itself doesn't really bother me, because I know that men have their preferences, just like women. So he wants her small...that's fine. However he catorgizes the rest of the male population into his "size 10 or under" catagory by saying "The fatter you get, the more you decrease your potential single-man pool. Let me give you an example. When you go to the grocery store to shop, do you pick out the nastiest-looking, most rotten, smelliest fruit or meat you can find? Oh, you don't? Why not?...It's the same with men when they see baby elephant-sized, out-of-shape women." Unbelievable!! Not only is it degrading to your "audience" of women,. but not ALL men are pigs like that. I know women that eat healthy, exercise, and maintain a nice, clean appearance. However: they are overweight. Just because someone is overweight does not mean she doesn't take care of her self or she is "rotten, smelly and nasty looking." Just a little side note: according to one of the people at his book signing - he himself is a heavyset man. Hypocritical? I would say so. I would really like to meet this man so I can give him a piece of my mind. These are only two things from his book, but I'm sure there is plenty in there to cause a rise in blood pressure in women all around the country....

You're probably going to think I'm crazy (considering my rant above), but I'm actually going to read this book. I want to know what all he says and how off the mark he is. I've not been lucky enough to have a long term relationship yet, but I have seen many successful relationships and marriages around me and none of them require the woman to jump and the man's every order. Each of these relationships have compromise, understanding, honesty, and loyalty, and trust as their cornerstone (after Christ). It's a give and take. That's the way relationships are supposed to be. No commands of any one person. Commands are for dogs, not humans, especially not women. Anyone that would willing enter into a relationship where they have be the man's toy either has no self-esteem or no self-respect. I believe we are worth more than what this man talks about because I have a father and other males in my life that have shown me that, but not every woman has that, so they settle for anything they can get, and unfortunately, sometimes what they settle for ends up being someone like this Dante Moore. I, personally, would rather spend the rest of my life single than settle for something like that.

The Food Court...

2008-09-12T10:01:00.004-04:00

We have this thing at work that someone has dubbed the "food court." It's actually the curve in the counter in our office that collects all the "snacks" people bring in. It changes daily and for the season as well. It's actually quite commical. Some days, there will only be chips. Other days it might be something salty as well as something sweet. And then, of course there are days like today that there is a whole plethora of options. **See below**

This is a daily thing at my work, and I have to admit, I'm as guilty as anyone when it comes to bringing the stuff in. In the warehouse, some of the guys complain that we're making them fat, yet we continue to bring it in and they continue to eat it. Then we have our health conscious people that say "not today," and yet, half way through the day, you see them making their way to food court for "just a piece." The really sad thing about it...anything that goes on the counter is usually gone within a day or two... What's even sadder: they eat just about anything that goes up there. We've had some pretty questionable stuff go up and there and by the end of the day...it was gone. I'd love to see what would happen to the people here if we went an entire month without someone bringing something in...They'd probably start getting cranky and whatnot...ya know...the whole withdrawl syndrom thing.

Happy Snacking!

We Still Remember...

2008-09-11T08:25:00.005-04:00

As most of you already know, today is the seventh anniversary of the World Trade Center tragedy in New York. Do you remember where you were when it happened? What were you doing when the news broke? I was in my sophmore geometry class when Mr. Solis took the call from our principle. He told us all to close our books and then turned on the TV. We missed the first building, but we watched the second building get hit. I remember a couple kids laughing 'cause they thought it was fake, but more importantly, I rememeber the silence that came over the room when we realized this was really happening. I don't think there was a single soul that didn't talk about it that day, infact, nearly every class I went to that day had the TV on and we watched the clips over and over. We still did our regular study, but a couple of the teachers took the time to discuss the news of that day. They would ask what our thoughts were. What our feelings were. To me, the whole day just felt surreal, but my experience was nothing compared to the people that lived it. The people that were right there when it happened, or lost family members in the collapse, or even the cleanup. I can't imagine what they're still going through today. So, as we go on with our work, school, and play, let's take a moment to remember the lives lost on that day and say a prayer for the family members that their lost loved ones on...

September 11, 2001

Declaring...

2008-09-02T14:46:00.006-04:00

So, a few days back, I posted the "No Obama" logo. I wanted to put that out there and at the same time, get my thoughts and opinions lined up before I elaborated. If you don't know, I'm kind of a fan of politics. I enjoy following elections and getting to know the canidates and their positions as much as possible. Some of you may ask where I stand politically- am I a republican? NO. Am I a democrat? NO. I would have to answer that I am a conservative moderate. There are positions that I stand behind on both sides of the party fence, and I believe I keep an open mind towards most positions. I was raised in a Christian conservative household and yes, for awhile I followed along in their beliefs because, well, that's what I was raised around. I didn't know anything else. Back then, if you asked where I stood, I would have proudly said republican. However, after Bush Jr. was elected the second time around, I began to question all the beliefs of the "republican party," and found that I couldn't stand behind everything they believed in. I don't want to stand behind someone that is willing to send thousands of our men and women overseas to die. Yes, I understand that there is good going on over there, but give me hard evidence that shows me that the good outweighs the death toll. DON'T, however, give me the facts that less people died in this war than the wars in the past. I want to see that we have a real purpose there; that my friends over there are risking their lives for a good cause. This is the reason why I have lost the majority of the respect I once had for Bush and the reason why I have a hard time standing behind John McCain. In this regard, they are cut from the same cloth.
I also refuse to stand behind someone that refuses to support the sanctity of life. I understand that women believe they deserve to have a choice. I believe that also - unless that choice means taking the life of another human being, also known as abortion. Who is going to stand up for the one that can't defend itself? This is the MAIN reason why I REFUSE to support Obama. Not only is he Pro-Abortion, (note: I did NOT say pro-choice. He is infact, pro-abortion), but while in the Illinois legistlature, he refused to support a bill that would protect a child that survived a late term abortion. In other words: he refused to support a bill that would allow medical attention to a HUMAN BEING that survived an abortion. Two times he helped block this bill. TWO TIMES!! How many babies had to die because he refused to support it?? It's one thing to be pro-choice or pro-abortion, but it's an etirely different thing to be inhumane. A man that that refuses to save a living, breathing, human being doesn't derserve my vote; regardless of his color, religion, or stand on every other issue. His stand to disregard the life of a human being has caused me to lose every ounce of respect I may have had for him. This is just one of the several issues I have with him. I also have a real problem with his lack of honesty. I have been reading Obama Nation By Jerome R. Corsi and he has shed some serious light Obama. Yes, I know, 98% of politicians are liars, but he stands out above the rest. He has lied over and over and over to make his "case" more appealing to the public. However, Mr. Corsi has hard facts to back up what he claims in the book and it's hard for me not to believe him. These facts prove that Obama is a liar. I'm not going to continue on with my "problems" with Obama...I think you can pretty much figure it out. I just wanted to explain my reasoning for my last post. I'd hate for someone to think I'm an uniformed American that is just spewing off at the mouth. That's not the case at all. I stay well informed, but I have an opionion and I wanted to get it out there.

I'm sure so many of us could go around and around on all of the issues that we have to sift through when it comes to picking a president, and if you want to attack me for my stand, I'm ready. I understand that we as a nation are never going to be in agreement on everything and we're not going to be able to change the beliefs of the other, but that's the great thing about this nation: we have the freedom to make our own choice and stand behind it. I won't judge another for his belief and I would hope he wouldn't judge me for mine because at the end of the day we all have one thing in common: we're all Americans that have a choice; that can speakout without the fear of retaliation or death. For me, as an American, I'm going to use my freedom and vote for the man that is more in line with my beliefs. Who is that man in this election? I'm not sure yet, but one thing I do know is that man is not Obama.

All I can really say right now...

2008-08-29T10:42:00.006-04:00

Yeah...that pretty much sums it up.

Answer me this....

2008-08-25T15:32:00.002-04:00

Why would someone stay in a relationship where the other person is constantly putting them down and belittling them?? I JUST DON'T GET IT!!! Maybe there's something I'm not seeing, but if she knowingly treats him like that around others, I can only imagine how she's treating him when they're alone. I mean, every time I see these two together, she always says something cutting. I just don't get it. I don't get it at all. If it were me, I would have been gone a long time ago. No deserves to go through that, especially when it's coming from the person you're about to commit your life to. I'm to the point that I just have to get up and leave the room because it bothers me SOOOOO much.

So, can anyone answer that question for me?? Why stay?

End of My Vacation

2008-08-22T12:55:00.004-04:00

Well, we sure managed to squeeze a lot of stuff into a week. The night before we headed out though, we had one last destination.

My senior year in high school, our music program went to New York City for three days. One of things we were supposed to do was go to Medieval Times. Unfortunately, our bus got stuck in traffic and we lost our reservation. Good news is: that's what we ended up doing the last night in New Jersey. We originally wanted to go to a Broadway play, but none of use could really afford the tickets and we would be stuck way in the back anyway...so we agreed on Medieval.

It was so much fun. If you've never been there, what it is is restaurant that has sword fights, jousting, and much much more during your meal. There are about 8 knights that put on a show for you. It's pretty cool actually.

Anyway, that's what we did, and we had so much fun. There's not really much to explain because you sit throughout the whole thing and just watch grown men fight each other. =0) So, I'll let the pictures do the talking.

After that, we just went back to the hotel and went to bed. The following morning we packed up and pulled out. It was a long trip back and we all got excited when we saw the "WELCOME TO MICHIGAN" sign coming up. Oh, and as soon as I knew where I was, I took Cybil off my window; we had a few more issues with her on the way home, so it was nice to see her go. =0)

I had such a great time and can't wait for my next vacation...

Vacation...(Part 4)

2008-08-13T10:55:00.007-04:00

NYC Day 2:

With New York being as large as it is, it is impossible to see everything in one day, so we went back for a second day of sightseeing (just an FYI: if you want to see all of NYC, give yourself atleast a week; it's too big for just two days).

Our second day in New York City we decided to go to Times Square, all of which we walked. It was hot and very busy. We were a little short on time so we didn't get to do as much as we had planned. Pretty much, our time at Times Square consisted of walking really fast and taking pictures. One of the pictures I took made me laugh. It was of the NYPD building (picture above). At first I thought it was joke - I mean, what real police department has flashing lights above its entrance?? This one. It was the real thing. It was so small and just kind of sat in the middle of the square. To be honest, it looked kind of out of place to me - but hey, who am I to judge? =0)

After walking a little bit, we came up on a bunch of police officers in full gear getting out of a big, black SUV. It was kind of startling. I still don't know what they were patrolling but they looked serious. We asked one of the officers (pictured below) if we could get a picture and his response was "we can't pose." I would have left it alone (reminder: he was scary), but my cousin, being the person she is said to him, "well what if you just stand there and we take a picture?" He smiled and said to us, "I'll try to look pretty." That made our day. We couldn't get a picture of him looking directly at the camera, because he wouldn't, but what we got is good enough. These guys looked fierce. There were about 3 of them strolling around and another two still in the SUV. If I were a criminal, I definitely would have avoided them at all costs.

Before we rushed off to our hotel we stopped at one of the little vendor places on the sidewalk and had a picture drawn of us. We got a good laugh out of it and then booked it back to the subway because we had to get around for our last adventure before heading home.

Next Up: Medieval Times (New Jersey)

Vacation...(Part 3)

2008-07-29T12:47:00.003-04:00

Newark, New Jersey / New York, New York
Let me just start by saying that if I never drive in a big New Jersey city again, it'll be too soon. Driving to our hotel in NJ was craaazy!!! First, their roads are (a) confusing and conjested and (b) terribly marked. I'm so used to Michigan where the roads in the city are clearly marked. Not NJ! I'm just thankful I didn't have to drive in NYC. That would have been the end to my sanity.

Ground Zero
Me

So yeah, the trip there was pretty much easy (until we got to the city part of it). We only got "lost/turned around" once and that was in a...parking lot... rather embarrassing, but we got a good laugh out of it. We arrived at our hotel at a decent time and checked in. On the way into the hotel, we were beginning to worry that we had just driven ourselves to a dirty, drug ridden place...the outside and the surroundings were rather creepy, but we walked in and it was pretty swanky. =0) But enough about the boring stuff.

Me & Jessie

We decided not to go into NYC that day (Thursday) just 'cuz we were exhausted. However, Friday we spent all day there (which isn't hard to do). We took the subway into the city and walked to Battery Park, where we got on a ferry to Liberty and Ellis Island. I had been to New York before, and I had seen Lady Liberty from a distance, but never on the island. She is breathtaking (and HUGE). I got some amazing shots of her and of the city from across the water. We had thought about taking a walk up the pedestal, but there was so much more that we wanted to do that we decided not to. Instead, we bought some souveniers and left for Ellis Island. We didn't get much time there, so I don't really have a lot to say about that Island. The one thing I'm going to say is that I don't think I'm meant to really see it. The first time I went there, we had about 45 minutes to see everything and get lunch (that was a little over 4 years ago). This time around, same thing, we had about 45 minutes to see everything and get something to eat. Needless to say, neither time did I really get to see all of Ellis Island. Oh well, maybe next time. =0)
Top of the Empire

We got back to the mainland and headed off to the Empire State Building. I was determined to see it during the day. The last time, it was nighttime and I didn't get a single picture. So, we got there and waited in line....got past the picture area, waited in line some more for the elevators, and then waited and waited and waited... LOTS of waiting in line, but we eventually got to the top and it was SPECTACULAR!! To get a 360 of the city is quite amazing. All the cars look like matchbox cars and the people, well they look so tiny. We also got to watch the sun set over the city. It doesn't hold a candle to Michigan sunsets, but it was still a pretty cool sunset. We caught up with each other and headed back down the building.

It was time to head back to the hotel for the night. It was dark out and walking the streets back to the subway wasn't as scary as I expected. I've learned, you just keep your belongings close to your body and look straight ahead, like you're on a mission - that way, you'll blend in with every other New Yorker and you're less likely to get mugged (atleast that's what I told myself). =0)

(If you want to see the full size pictures, just click on any one of them.)

Next: Day 2 In NYC

Vacation...(Part 2)

2008-07-25T08:38:00.005-04:00

Plattsburgh, New York
This is the city I was looking forward to the most. From Canada, it took us about 6 hours to get there, however, with the road that Cybil took us down, I think it took a little more, but it was totally worth it. We started out on an expressway (like those in MI), but about an hour into it (and a wrong exit) Cybil directed us down "Highway 8." It was probably the most beautiful highways I've seen in my life. Trees, rocks, clear blue skies, and the road weaved back and forth quite a bit. It was really pretty, but it also caused a lot of laughs. We would approach a sign that said "Town of...." but there would be NO town. NOTHING. We passed those- a lot. Then we're about, oh, 1/2 way there and I realize: I need a "break." HA! Every "village" we came to had NO GAS STATIONS!! What kind of place is that? I swear we traveled over 50 miles before we found a place that looked like it would have a restroom. It was a little grocery type store. I pull up and on the door in big letters "No Public Restrooms." At this point, I'm pretty much miserable. Another 15 miles and we come to a stop light. I say to the girls "If there's a stop light, there must be a real town," sure enough...we turned and there it was. I don't think I've ever been as happy to see a gas station as I was at that moment. =0)

After our little stop, we got back on the road for Plattsburgh. Like I said, the trip there was 6 hours, but they seemed to go by pretty quickly. That is, until we reached the sign that said "Plattsburgh 35 Miles." I think those were the longest 35 miles EVER. By the time I reached that sign, I was ready to be there. I couldn't believe that this was actually happening.
We got to our hotel, settled in and then walked across the street to Walmart. Funny thing happened while we there. When Jessie and I went up to get a cart, we saw Tiffany and her mom standing in the checkout!! It was crazy, and a bit awkward because it was totally unexpected. We talked a little bit and then they left. The next day Jessie, Theresa, Tiffany, Christina (Tiff's cousin) and I all hung out. First the mall then a cute little pizza joint, then the playground. We had a TON of fun there. I'd go into all the funny details, but this post would go on forever.

Christina Jessie

Tiffany & Christina

The following day (Tuesday) Tiffany and I hung out on our own. We left the hotel and went to a little place called "Michigan's Plus," and we ordered a "Michigan" (it's pretty much a chili dog). After that we went back to her house to pick up her baby Carlos and then went and rented a couple videos and she showed me around her town (her old High School, hang outs, etc). We spent the rest of the evening hanging out like old friends. It was really nice and it all ended too soon. When you spend 7 years working up to this point, 2 days just isn't enough. I've had people ask me: "Is she what you expected?" or "Is she the same in person as in the letters and emails?" The answer to both is YES. We've built a friendship over the years, we've been very honest with each other, and she's the same girl in person as she is on paper or email. I can't wait until the next time we're able to visit each other. Til then, we'll go back to the good 'ol electronic mail.

I almost forgot to mention: Her parents are two of the sweetest people I've met. From the first second I met her dad, he made me feel very welcome, and the same thing with her mom. It makes it that much harder to leave when you get along with everyone in her life that you meet.

Up Next: Newark, New Jersey / New York, New York

Vacation...(Part 1)

2008-07-22T13:10:00.003-04:00

I've been meaning to get around to blogging about my vacation, it just took longer than anticipated. Here it is:

For those of you that don't know, the main point of this trip was to meet my best friend Tiffany in New York. I've posted the link to the blog that explains it all... =0)

Theresa, Jessie and Me.

I chose Jessie (my cousin) and Theresa (her friend) to travel with. We pulled out on the 13th of June with our GPS (aka: Cybil) hooked up and our car loaded down; we were ready to go.

First Stop: Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada.

American Falls from above

American Falls from the ground

The trip there was, for the most part, uneventful. We had a couple rain showers and an accident, oh, and we named our GPS. If you've ever had a GPS, you know that they can be kind of cranky. With the one we were using, we were trying to locate a gas station. Well, the gas station "she" led us to no longer existed, so I turned down the road and was looking for a drive to turn around in. All of a sudden she starts saying, "make a U-Turn when possible, make a U-Turn when possible" over and over and over (until we silenced her). And she has this funky british accent, so from that point on I called her Cybil because I figured that at any given minute she was gonna jump out and kill us all.
Horseshoe (Canadian) Falls from above.

Horseshoe Falls from the ground.

So, we get to our hotel at about 3am and go to sleep, only to get up at 8 the next morning. WAY TOO EARLY!! We all got around and headed out to the Niagara Falls. First, we went on the Sky Tower and was able to see the falls and pretty much the entire town from up there. It was an amazing view. If you've never seen the falls, I suggest you take a trip there to see them. The really are breathtaking. After that, we went back down to the ground and walked about 2 miles to the Maid of the Mist. It's a boat that takes you right up next to the falls, and let me tell you...you end up SOAKED, but it's a ton of fun.

Following that, we just walked around town a little, bought some stuff, and ate at the Rainforest Cafe. It was my first time eating there and I found it to be pretty cool. I got my picture taken with the frog that walks around, but he got mad at me because I wouldn't do the Macarena with him...oh well. =0) We then proceeded to walk around a little more and then decided we were getting tired and it was time to go back to the hotel, so we walked the 2 miles back to the sky tower and left.

With all of the things we did, all of the little inside jokes, and all of the funny things that happened, Canada was great, but I was disappointed by just one thing: Canadians don't always use the word 'eh.' In fact, the entire time we were there, not a single one said it. lol =0)

Next Stop: Plattsburgh, New York

The "Low" Part of my Life...

2008-07-17T11:00:00.000-04:00

I don't very often talk about my diabetes publicly (blog). Once in a while I'll talk about it, but usually I either keep it to myself or talk about it to my close friends. Today, I feel like talking about it. Once in awhile I'll have a curious person ask my what it feels like to have a low/a high/ give myself injections, etc. While I won't get into everything else, I'll answer one of those questions: "What does it feel like to have a low?"

My Answer: Have you ever had to stand in front of a big group of people to talk or sing or just stand there? Maybe you've played in a sport and had hundreds of eyes watching you and your nerves got so bad that your heart started to race and it was almost impossible to concentrate on what you were doing... That's how I would describe a low (for me). I've been on stage (to sing AND to talk) and I get the same feeling. Being somebody with diabetes, it can be difficult to differentiate between nerves and low blood sugar(BS). Before diabetes came into my life I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that when I was on stage, it was nerves. Now I pretty much have to know what my blood-sugar is before I go on stage. It may sound strange, but the last thing someone wants to see is a girl pass out on stage (nerves don't do that to me: Lows do.) I've never passed out from lows, I can usually tell when they come on; like today. That's part of the reason I'm blogging it. It happened today, and I've been asked the question, so I figured I'd answer. I had a normal breakfast with a good sugar reading, gave myself the correct amount of insulin and about 3 hours later, I was unable to focus, my hands were shaking really bad, and all I wanted to do was sit still (low energy comes with low BS). I grabbed my handy kit, tested, and came out with a 67 reading. Even though I just wanted to sit there, I knew I had to do something. So, I forced myself to the breakroom and poured myself a cup of coffee with sugar rather than Equal (which is what I usually use). It's been about half an hour and my BS is back at a normal range (117).

These things happen. Ask anybody with diabetes; we have high days and we have low days, we just have to learn to deal with it because there are times that no matter what you do, you can't get your numbers down to normal on a particular day and there are times that you keep having lows. It happens. So yeah....One question down and about 100 more (or so it seems) to go. =0)

Saddened by an Interruption...

2008-07-14T13:08:00.003-04:00

The past couple blogs I have posted have been pretty deep, pretty emotional for me. Not today. It's a vent and yet a laughable situation. It all took place Sunday, July 13, 2008 after church.

There I am, standing by the chairs in the sactuary waiting for my sister to come back because, apparently, she had to "talk to me," (she wanted to ask me lunch...I wasn't in trouble for anything). So like I said, there I am standing by her chair when *Nick walks up and was like "BOO!" I turned around and said hi with a little laugh.
He says to me: "I scared you didn't I?"
Me: "Terribly."
Him: "I saw you jump..."
Me: "You're right, right out of my skin."
We laughed at that for a little while and then started having a real conversation. Oh, did I mention that I like Nick?? Yeah, I do. Anyway, moving on...we're talking and all of a sudden, out of no where, *Tammy walks up and is like (to me) "how are you doing?" Being the nice person that I am (even though I'm a little offended that she completely interrupts) I say hi, and "okay," then ask how she is, she sighs and says, "eh, I'm okay..." that's when Nick breaks in and says, "well, I'm gonna go, I'll talk to you later." ARRRGHHH!!! Now I'm trapped. He's gone and I'm saddened, 'cuz we were talking and it's always a nice thing when the guy you like talks to you... =0), and Tammy is still standing there, so of course I have to talk to her (she did the talking, I just listened). 10 minutes later, I get to walk away and find my sister. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely listened to what she was telling me, but I was still a little annoyed. Thinking back now, I should have asked her to wait a second and finished my conversation with Nick, and THEN proceed to talk to her. However, I didn't. I'm just hoping I'll have another opportunity; he holds pretty good conversation.
Even though I was annoyed at the moment, I laughed about it later when I was telling my friend Lori. It's really not THAT big of deal....I just felt like sharing it. =0)

* Names have been changed to protect the identity of the individual.

Just How I'm Feeling at the Moment

2008-07-06T02:24:00.007-04:00

It's amazing to me how songs can put to words the exact things you're feeling; the feelings that you're either to afraid to speak or you just don't know how to articulate.

Case and point:

Incompatible, it don't matter though

'cos someone's bound to hear my cry

Speak out if you do

You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable

Is already in my life?

Right in front of me

Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end

How do I find the perfect fit

There's enough for everyone

But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory

They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

It's SOULMATE by Natasha Bedingfield. You can hear what it sounds like at:

www.myspace.com/natashabedingfield

Precious Are Our Days; Our Time.

2008-06-23T16:05:00.006-04:00

It's been awhile since my last post, and for those of you who actually follow this thing, my apologies. I've been busy getting myself around for a trip (that is now over) and working and doing all the usual stuff. None of them real good excuses, but that's all I've got. Well, that and the fact that I haven't had much to blog about until now. I will blog about my trip to NY in the next week or so, but today, I wanted to take some time out to remind everyone how precious our days are. Not just our days, but our hours, minutes, second, milleseconds, etc.; all of which we shouldn't take for granted.

I know I am one of those people that catches myself doing it. I take everything I have for granted, but then I hear something on the news about people's freedom's being suffocated, or people's homes being destroyed in a natural disaster (and the list goes on), and it brings me back to earth. This past week was one of those times; one of the times that I was grateful for my life, my family, and every single second I've been given. Some of you may know, (and some of you may not), that my friend Amanda McLeod was in a horrible car accident on June 10. I went to see her that Thursday, and pray with her family, before I left on Friday for New York. The Sunday after I left for NY, I found out that she passed away. Of course, when I heard the news, all I could do was cry. Why her? She made a mistake that put her in this position, but she was an amazing girl. She was confident, funny, and kinda crazy...but in a way that made you want to be around her. She had a great heart and could easily bring a smile to your face. I admit, we hadn't had a lot of contact since high school, but when we did run into each other, it was as though there wasn't a single second between us; like we just picked up where we left off. Then a few weeks before her accident, she came into the video store and we just started talking. Talking about friends, relationships, work, and everything else you could think of. She said that she'd be getting a new number and she'd give it to me when she got it. About 2 weeks before her accident, she came in and gave me that new number. She told me to call sometime, cuz she thought it would be fun to hang out. Unfortunately, I never did. I got "too busy." I know that she'd still be gone, whether I called her or not, but what I struggle with is the fact that I took her for granted. I figured I would just call her when I got back from vacation. I never thought that she wouldn't make it that long. How many times do we catch ourselves doing that? Putting off a phone call, or a visit because we're just "too busy." How often do we zoom through each day without taking notice of the breath we're given, the sunsets, the sunrises, the grass and everything else, and forget to see them as a blessing? I'm guilty of that, and I'm am going to try my hardest to do that everyday. Even the littlest things count. I owe that to Amanda. We owe that to ourselves. So, please, do me a favor...everyday, when you wake up, take in a deep breath and be thankful for it. Thankful that you're given one more day. Good or bad day, it's one more.

From one Ball to Another

2008-04-23T15:08:00.004-04:00

Well, it's over. Last night was the last night of BASKETBALL league, and quite honestly, I'm a little sad. Not like spend-an-evening-crying sad, but just bummed cuz I was really enjoying my time at the games. I was beginning to understand (and enjoy) it more and more. Another thing is that I didn't really start coming out of my shell until last night. For some of you that know me, you know that it takes a little while for me to warm up to people. I have to get to the level of comfort before I really start to show the Leah that my closest friends know. Until that point, I tend to be a little shy and reserved. It was getting better with each week, I started to branch out and talk (a little bit) to people that I didn't really know. Last night though, I probably talked and laughed with more people that I didn't know than I did all "season." Oh well...there's always next year to talk more... =0) As long as Joe or Jared ask me to come back, that is. I may not know how to play the game, or know the calls, but I DO know how to run a scorebored, so that would save them the hassle of "training" someone else.

Anyhoo...now that that's all over, I'll be starting SOFTBALL league; I'm looking forward to it. I promise I won't throw balls at people in order to tag them out...promise. =0) I asked Doug from Kent City Baptist (KCBC) if women were allowed to play on the boys team, he said "not really" and that he thought there would a women's team, but wasn't sure. Then I talked to my best friend who goes to one of our opposing churches and she said that they could use another girl (it's co-ed) so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to play for Snow Bible Church...I can't promise them anything spectacular, but I'll definitely try hard. More importantly, it'll get me out of the house a couple times a week and I'll actually be having fun, rather than stuck in a building...working. I don't know the first thing about playing a real game of softball (except for "hit the ball and try to get to the white base before someone touches it or you with the ball," so hopefully, someone can give me some insight. I'd hate to make a fool of myself out there. Anyway, I'm out. I've gotta get back to work.

Weekend to Remember!

2008-04-21T09:54:00.002-04:00

Wow...this weekend was crazy for me. A ton of fun, but crazy. Friday, immediately after work my mom, dad, sister and I all left for my grandma's in Ludington. Soon after we got into Ludington, we stopped at KFC to pick up some chicken to bring to my grandma's for dinner. It was during that stop that Amber decided to pull out her camera and it turned out to be a hilarious experience.

Saturday we threw a "going away" party for my cousin who will be heading off to Colorado for work and at the same time a birthday party for my great-aunt who just turned 89. I always love being around my family. We're a loud, crazy group of people and it just makes for an exciting time. After we ate a few of decided to go outside and "play." Some of the cousins (me included) played a couple games of volleyball and then it was decided that we were going to put on a Turner softball game; crazy, crazy, crazy. Of course, with it being MY family, it wasn't your normal game of softball...nope- my aunt decided that it was going to be ONE HANDED...meaning, when you were up to bat- you could only swing with one arm. On top of that, I was the pitcher for our team, albeit not a great one, but the pitcher none the less. Needless to say, my arm is still feeling the burn. Oh, and just in case you ever decide to play softball, word of advice - you're not allowed to throw the ball at an opposing player running to first if you know for sure that you're not going to be able to reach her in time. Trust me, I learned that one real quick this weekend. =0) I don't think Jessie really appreciated it either. The other team won, but I personally think it's because they have a bunch of cheaters. Just personal opinion. =0)

Then on Sunday two great things happened:

A.M - We had the first service in our new church. What a great turnout. We packed the building, overflowed the parking lot, and just had a GREAT service. It's going to take me some getting used to because this building is way bigger than our previous church, but I will get used to it because I know that God is going to use Kent City Baptist in a great way. I can't wait to see the way he uses us!!

P.M - I went to the Michael Bublè concert with Amber; what a blast!! Before I continue, a HUGE thank you goes to Casey from Paradigm. She is the one that gave Amber the tickets; $80 tickets nonethess, so THANK YOU! Before he came on, they had an opening act, the name of the act was Naturally 7. It was a group of black guys that had not ONE instrument, and yet had a "band." Each band member created the sounds of an instrument with their voices. Me trying to explain it would give it no justice, so please, check 'em out at YouTube.com (search 'wall of sound' or 'Naturally 7'). After they performed, Michael finally came out. He was amazing! He was also hilarious; cracking jokes all night long. I'm really glad I got to go see him. It was definitely a concert I won't forget for a very long time.

Anyway- this thing is already long enough, so I won't make you suffer anymore. I hope the rest of you had a great weekend also.

Music to My Ears (literally)

2008-04-18T15:39:00.007-04:00

Sunday, April 20, 2008 @ 8PM at the Van Andle Arena, I will get to see this man perform live. I am SO excited...If you like Frank Sinatra and that sort of music, then you too would like Michael Bublè. My sister got some free tickets from a friend at work, and she was kind enough to invite me to go with her. I'm so glad she did, cuz I can't wait to see him...

Short post, but it's all I've got for the day!

Dependence

2008-04-02T13:26:00.007-04:00

If you haven't read the book Mistaken Identity by the Van Ryn and Cerak families yet, I suggest you do; it's a powerful book. If you don't know what it's about, I'll give you brief synopsis.

In April, 2006 a van of Taylor University students were hit by a semi. Out of 9 people, 5 died; out of that 5, one was mistaken for one the survivors. Both families give their account of everything from the day of the accident to "today."

Now, why do I suggest it?? Not just because it's a great read, or because it gives you some insight to something that made national (and even international) news. I suggest it because it's proof of how great our God is. More than once I was moved to tears reading this book (I'm not one to cry over books), several of those times, I was sitting in my desk here at work. The dependence they on had on Christ is astounding. Every inch of their life revoloved around Christ and the works he wants us to do for his glory. I honestly don't know what I would do in their situation. I would hope that I would be bold and continually ask God for the strength and support he so willingly gives rather than become angry and confused and turn away. Another reason I suggest you read it is because even if you can't relate to every last issue that they're going through, somehow, you will be able to relate to the way God moves in our lives. Some of my tears were tears for the families and the losses they experienced, the emotions that hit them, and the pain they endured. However, the majority of my tears were because I could relate to the way that Christ has moved in my own life over the past couple years. Our God is an amazing God, through good and through bad, and this book sheds light on just how great He is and how much He truly loves us, all of us.

So please, go out to the nearest library, bookstore, or Walmart and pick up a copy to read, and when you do, see it as more than just a great story. Open your hearts to the message it has and expect to be moved.

Stupid Pegs...

2008-03-24T09:46:00.005-04:00

Ever been pegged as being something you 100% are not?? Yeah, me too. More recently, I've been getting that from a few people I know. My only question is, who else are they telling this to? I mean, it's not like I care that they're saying it because to be honest - it won't have some horrible affect on me, but it's still annoying.

The thing I get pegged with the most is "High Maintenance." The first time I heard this one was about a year ago when I was working at the video store. I was working with my boss and another girl, and we started talking about engagement rings. She was saying something about wanting a big rock and having an idea of what her dream ring looked like (I don't remember the exact wording...it's been awhile since the coversation). I told her that I wanted something small and simple. I told her I wanted a three stone engagement ring and a diamond wedding band, but I didn't want anything too big or flashy. When I said that, my boss made that snotty snorting sound. After asking what that was all about, he proceeded to tell me that he couldn't believe that I wanted something simple. "why's that?" I asked...and he said (and I quote) "Because I pegged you as the high maintenance type." All I could do was laugh... after regaining my composure I asked him what in the world made him think that. His reasoning was that I was always dressed up, my make-up and hair was always just so (I work in an office. I have to look nice 5 out of 7 days, which are usually the only days he saw me) and I just had an "way" about me that appeared to signal high maintenance. Truth is, I'm more comfortable throwing on a hoodie and jeans sans makeup and just spending the day like that. I hunt, fish, change my own oil, get my hands dirty, all the while- not caring about how I look. I don't know many "high maintenance" girls that do that.
That was the FIRST time. He no longer sees me as that. We hang out periodically now, so he's seen my dress down-no makeup-hair in a ponytail days, and he's gotten to know me more for myself now. I've been pegged a couple more times as such, but they're not worth mentioning. Same sort of story, just different people, and I'm sure it will continue to happen. It's out of my control though. Just like the next peg...

Now, you'd think that after being wrong about the high maintenance thing, he'd stop making assumptions about me... WRONG! I found out that he made another idiodic assumption about me and let it escape his lips in front of a guy that I've been getting to know (and like). This time, I had my friend Danyalle there to call him out on it. Apparently Danyalle was talking to this guy about how she thought I was sweet and funny, etc, etc, etc and that he should get to know me and ask me out because we have a lot of the same moral values. This is when my boss from the video store chirped in again and said "Yeah, she'd make a good girl friend, but I think she'd be rather needy." I wasn't there to hear it, but when Danyalle told me, I was like "WHAT?!?" Again, I had to laugh... I'm far from needy. When I hear needy, I think of a girl that has to be with her man nearly 24/7; he's not allowed a single moment to himself. I also think of someone that plans her life around him and the things HE enjoys; in turn completely losing herself as an individual. That type of girl, I am NOT. In fact, I'm the opposite. While I enjoy spending time with the guy, I also enjoy having some time to hang with MY friends and giving him ample room to hang with his crew, infact, I'm quite independent - just ask my mother. I also know and like who I am as an individual, so there's no need for me to morph into a clone of him. Will I make compromises and request that he do the same? I'm sure. Will I expect him to treat me well when we ARE together? Absolutely. However, that doesn't make me needy.

Lucky for me, Danyalle was there to ask him why he thought that...his response? "I don't know, I just think she seems needy." Yeah. Great excuse; founded on such....idiocy. *rolls eyes* The "guy" is still willing to hang out with me, so he'll realize for himself that my boss was wrong, but the whole pegging thing really annoys me, especially when it's not founded on anything remotely logical.

Oh well, what can ya do....

BRING IT ON!!

2008-03-20T16:25:00.002-04:00

Today is officially the first day of spring! (please) BRING ON THE WARM WEATHER!!! =) I am so sick of the cold I could burst....Most of the snow is gone, but there's still a chill in the air and SOME snow left over. I can't wait til we've got leaves on the trees, green grass and sunny days!! After 4 bad months of winter, I'm ready for spring...even the mud. =)

Dare I say?

2008-03-19T15:36:00.003-04:00

I might get disowned from my family for saying this, but I think I'm becoming a basketball fan. *gasp*

For those of you who know me, know that my family and I are HUGE wrestling fans (the high school, not TV kind). Growing up I went to countless tournaments and meets for my cousins and then when I got to be the great age of 11, I started working with our middle school wrestling team taking stats and whatnot. The love of the sport followed me into my high school years. I was the manager/statistician from my freshman to my senior year. For those of you who are avid wrestling fans will know that there's always been this dislike between the basketball and wrestling teams (at least in Grant there was). Wrestlers didn't like basketball, and basketballers didn't like wrestling...we just sort of co-existed. lol, no not really. We actually got along with the players, we just didn't much care for the sport. Had you asked me when I was in high school if I wanted to go to basketball game with you, I probably would have laughed and declined. Oh, how the times have changed.

About a month back, I was asked by a couple of the guys from the church if I would be willing to run the scoreboard for basketball league. The only reason I agreed is becauseit would give me something to do on Tuesday nights rather than sit home doing nothing. We're three weeks into in and I'm finding that I'm beginning to enjoy the sport. The more I understand it and the plays, the more I get into it. It's more than just running across the court and shooting a wrinkled orange ball into a round hole. They run....A LOT, and when there are 4 or 5 guys jumping on one man in order to prevent him from making a shot, I can see what makes making the shot so difficult. That and there are SO many way to get penalized; or lose the ball to the other team.

Now before I give a family member a heart attack or something let me state that I'm NOT saying that I LOVE basketball and would pick IT over wrestling. I'm just saying that I think I can squeeze it into the sports I enjoy watching (live).

Trying to Stay Positive

2008-03-17T11:27:00.003-04:00

About three weeks ago, I started my new healthy lifestyle. I decided it was time to take control of my weight, my diabetes, and my life. I've been trying my best to really pay attention to the things I'm eating, and also the portions, as well as working out everyday (except Saturdays and Sundays). I've been doing pretty well for the most part. I'm enjoying the gym visits, and I'm REALLY enjoying the time alone when I go for a run down our road. The only thing I'm NOT enjoying is the discouragement.

I'm not alone in this lifestyle change. I've actually been doing this with my best friend Rachelle and her mom. Well, we were all together this weekend and Rachelle told me that over the last 3 weeks, she's lost 8 pounds and her mom said that she's lost 4. That's when the discouragement kicked in. The first week was good, I thought I was gaining progress because when I stepped on the scale, it was down a pound and a half. Then at the end of the third week, it hadn't moved one ounce. I've been consistant in working out and eating healthier but I'm not seeing a change. It's times like these that I get really sick of having diabetes. When I was in high school (before diabetes) I lost 45 pounds by doing what I'm doing now, averaging about 3 pounds a week, but since being diagnosed, it's been nearly impossible for me to lose it. To be honest, I don't understand what makes it so hard for people with diabetes to lose weight. I know that in the end (whether I lose or not) I will be healthier and I keep telling myself that, but when you've struggled as long as I have with my weight, you really want to see a reduction when you're working your butt off to drop a few. It just gets so discouraging.

With that said, I'm still going to commit myself to this change, because it will make me healthier, even if it doesn't make me skinnier.

7 Years in the Making!!

2008-03-07T10:48:00.002-05:00

May 14, 2001 my friendship with a girl name Tiffany Lynn Taylor began. At that time, I was big into the whole "chat room" thing (way before MySpace and Facebook). There were some guys hassling this girl and I just dropped a comment saying "Ignore them, guys are jerks." With that, she sent me an IM. From there we just started talking. We clicked on so many levels; the only downside - she was from New York, I am from Michigan. We really wanted to exchange information but both of our parents refused that request. Still leary of online predators and whatnot they told us we would have to wait atleast six months, get to know each other a little more first. So, six months passed and I asked my parents if I could give her my address...they gave me permission, under a few conditions, it had to be through MSN IM, they were going to be standing there when I did it, and she had to send hers at the same time. We finally got each other's addresses and the letters began. Sad to say, I no longer have those letters; at her request, I burned them. Anyway, we started writing, sending cards, sending pictures, etc. She became one of the few people I could truly open my heart to. She was there when MY grandma and three of my friends died. I was there when her grandparents died and other things happened. I don't know if it's the distance that gives us the courage to be so open, or if it's just because we really do just understand each other REGARDLESS of the distance, but whatever it is, I don't hold things back from her, nor she from me. She has truly become my best friend.

Some people say that it's impossible to be a "best friend" if you've never met. I tell them they're wrong. It's all about the connection. I even get laughed at when I talk about it. One particular guy at work always makes a joke about me being "too old to have a pen-pal." I tell him the same thing everytime...she's not my pen pal, she's my best friend, but if meeting her is the only way to set our friendship "in stone" then that day has come....and I couldn't be more excited.

In June, with my cousin and her friend, I will be heading out to New York to meet my best friend. After 7 years of dreaming about this day, it's finally going to become a reality. I know her and she really knows me, but I still keep asking myself...."what am I going to say, how am I going to react when I meet her?" There are a million things running through my mind, but I think I know deep down, that we're just gonna pick up as though there's never been a distance between us. Another bonus to this adventure is that she will have a little ankle-biter for me to meet when I get there. She's due to have her son May 14, 2008. Now the cool thing about that is, well, scroll back up and read the first line of this blog....done? Then you'll realize that May 14 is the same day our friendship started, only 7 years back. Coincidence? Maybe...maybe not, but VERY COOL in my book.

In so many ways and for so many reasons, I can't wait for June to get here. I can't wait to finally hug my best friend, maybe even have a coffee with her. All the things we've dreamed of doing together...we'll actually have that chance. Yes, it may only be for a few days, but those few days with my best friend will last me a lifetime. She's the greatest friend (truly) that's come into my life, and at the times I've needed her the most, she been there. She's always honest with me (once in awhile, brutally) and she's also always been so encouraging and supportive. I hope I've been the same way with her. So here I am, counting down the days til I meet my best friend; Tiffany Lynn Taylor. It should be fun.

Lighter

2007-12-21T13:20:00.000-05:00

I can honestly say...I haven't felt this "light" in a long long time. I don't know if I even remember the last time I felt like this, and I don't mean light as in weight, I mean light as in "less burden." Over the course of 14 years, my life has been somewhat of a mess. With things from my past weighing heavily on my shoulders, I turned "ways out" other than Christ. Without getting some professional help. Over the course of those same 14 years, I tried to cover my issues with other things, which caused more harm than good, weighing me down even more. Well, just recently- I've finally fully addressed those issues; that issue. I started seeing a Christian counselor about 3 weeks ago, and even though we're only into our 3rd week, I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I was getting to the point where I didn't enjoy my job, I wasn't too interested in hanging out with my friends, I just kind of wanted to go home after work and do nothing. But now, I beginnning to enjoy my job again, I spend a little more time with my friends, and well...I have to admit, there are still days that I'd just rather go home after work and do nothing. :P I know this is just the beginning of my journey to health, but if I can feel like this after only 3 weeks, imagine what I'll feel like when I'm done. I never knew HOW weighed down I was until now. I knew I buried it, and there was always a reminder of what my life had become, but I didn't realize that the pain acutally, pretty much, controlled my life and my emotions. I feel a little more free now. As always, I still have my days (especially the day after my sessions) that I just feel low and down and all I want to do is cry...but I'm beginning to see more days where I find it okay to laugh, okay to just be... okay.... I don't know why I'm even saying all of this...I just wanted to share it, if for no other reason that to just re-read it myself and know that there will be a day where I can breath again...without feeling like I'm going to crack under all the pressure.

Will we still bless His name??

2007-11-06T10:24:00.000-05:00

Life throws us stuff that we don't necessarily want thrown our way. Stuff that hurts, makes us angry, or saddens us. As human we always ask God why?? I know I went through my bout of that. I got angry with him, I didn't understand why such a loving God would do "this" to me... I stopped going to church, praying, reading my Bible and I started looking elsewhere for satisfaction. I needed something that wouldn't hurt me, something that I could rely on. I started looking to the world for that satisfaction, and not to my surprise, I didn't find it...infact, it caused me to find Christ again. I've posted earlier that I've given over control, and I'm working hard to keep it that way, and when I least expect it, a blow comes my way... I know this is God's way of testing me. This blow is definitely something I can recover from and it isn't so much the situation itself as it is all the stuff it brings to the surface. I could throw myself back into that pit again and just alienate God, but I don't want to. I will continue to praise him. And that's my question for you; when you're handed the tough stuff- will cave in and just give up or will you continue to bless His name. Just as Jeremiah 29:11 says: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We've just got to remember that. Even when it feels like the world is crashing in, when it feels like your heart can't break any more, when it feels like one more day is almost too much to bear, there is a God that is looking out for us. He wants to see us happy, but we must grow first and in order to do that, the world has to crash in on us, our hearts have to break over and over- but it's our part to continue praising him; thanking him for the love he shows us each and every day. I don't know about you, but I know that even through it all, I will continue to bless His name.

Contentment in Christ

2007-08-28T09:26:00.000-04:00

Now, I'm not going to claim that my life is perfect and that everyday is a happy one, but I will say that I have finally found contentment. After a couple years (which is just minutes compared to other's lives) of being lost and confused; unsure and angry- I have finally found my way back. I'm finally at the point in my life where I'm okay if it stays the way it is. I stay busy, I have a few great, close friends, a supportive family, and a God that has my back and my heart. I've struggled in the past with lonliness. I've just wanted to find someone to share my days with. That someone has come into my life, but he's not tangible. I can't touch him, I can't see him, but I definitely feel him, and I talk to him. I may not get the answers I necessarily want, but I just keep trusting that he knows my heart better than anyone else ever could. If He doesn't bring a man into my life- I think I can handle that. Would it be nice? Absolutely, but I'm no longer hanging my happiness on that. I still struggle, I still question, but now I have more of a comfort that, no matter how much I question or stuggle, will get me through each day. People always say that you won't find contentment until you turn your life over to Christ 100%. How true that statement that is. You can't just give him a little piece here, and a little piece there- you have to turn it all over. It's not necessarily an easy thing to do. I know it isn't easy for me. I like having control of my life...and there are definitely days that I want to take it back, but I don't. I have given up control and in turn I have found contentment in Christ.

I Can Relate...

2007-07-24T12:56:00.000-04:00

A month or so ago, I prebought the new Barlow Girl CD. I picked it up today on my lunch, and by the end of the second song, I was about in tears. With everything that happened in my life over the past few years, I started slipping away from Christ. While everything is not yet back to the way it should be, I've come a long way and the following lyrics from their new CD really describe where I'm at right now....

I Believe in Love

How long will my prayers seem unanswered

Is there still faith in me to reach the end

I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith

But giving up would cost me everything

So I'll stand in the pain and the slience

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I. I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending

That doesn't mean the dark night has no end

It's only here that I find faith

And learn to trust the one who writes my days

So I'll stand in the pain and the silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when he is not silent

And I. I believe

No dark can consume Light

No death greater than this life

We are not forgotten

Hope is found when we say

Even when he is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when i don't feel it

And I believe in God even when he is silent

And I. I Believe.

A Step Inside...

2007-07-06T15:41:00.000-04:00

With a particular conversation rolling around in my head, I've been doing some thinking, some questioning, and some digging....all within myself. This conversation has to do with a friend of mine admitting to liking me, and telling me that he believes we're going to be married in 2009. When he first told me- I laughed. I was caught off guard, I didn't know how else to respond. Then he told me he was serious. It made for an awkward conversation after that. Ever since then I've been trying to figure out if there's anything in my heart towards him, more than just friends. I'm yet to figure that out. I do know that I don't want to lose him. He is one of the greatest friends I have. He's the only guy I can talk to without feeling weird around, I can pretty much tell him everything, and he's always a good comfort when I'm down, but does that mean I have feelings for him? I don't know. I sent him a note telling him my thoughts....I know, it's not something that should be done via email, but when my call goes unanswered and I need to talk to him...it was what I had to do. Well-from the looks of it, it was probably the worst thing I could have done. I'm yet to hear back from him; which is really unusual considering I sent it to him last night and he's never one to take his time responding. Now all I'm doing is worrying myself sick that I've lost my best friend because of my stupidity. He makes himself vulnerable and I laugh...

In all of this "digging" I've also begun to wonder if I even want someone. I know- I'm always talking about wanting to get married and share my life with someone, but then I'm faced with just a possibility of a relationship and I start getting all freaked out and whatnot. Blame it on my insecurities, or fear, or whatever. All I know is that when I'm single- I can be myself, without having to impress someone; I don't have to be vulnerable; and I don't have to open myself up heartbreak. In a big way I fear that I won't meet their expectations in a relationship. My life has flaws; flaws that are many times the curse of my life and I fear that those flaws will eventually turn them away and in turn; heartbreak. I struggle with insecurity day in and day out. Some days are better than others...this has been my life since my adolescence. I also question whether someone really can like me. I have a great personality...I've been told that, but I've also been given many reasons why someone won't date me. After a "lifetime" of just hearing what's wrong with me, it's hard to find the confidence to believe someone when they say that the do like me.

I just wish I could have my best friend back. Take away the conversation, the email, the everything and just have him back...but that's not possible, and now I have to wait on response and if none comes, I'll have to learn how to accept that and find a way to move on; even though it's not something I really want to do.

Great Quote

2007-07-02T09:18:00.000-04:00

Last night, while waiting for my laundry to finish I watched the movie "Akeelah and the Bee." It's about a brilliant younger girl from a poor Los Angeles School that enters the spelling bee. It's about her journey of dicovering who she is, healing from her past, and well...winning a spelling bee. In this movie- her spelling coach tells her to read a quote he has framed on his wall...The movie left part of it out, but I'm posting the full quote. After reading it several times, I've realized that it has truth to it, so read it yourself, and let me know your thoughts.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -Marianne Williamson

Can someone explain this??

2007-06-25T10:22:00.000-04:00

I don't know how many of you watch the news or read a newspaper, but this morning, I learned that they found the body of that missing, pregnant Ohio woman. Her boyfriend is being charged with two murders. One for the woman, the second for her unborn baby. Now the same sort of thing happened with Scott Peterson. He was charged with two murders, but can you explain something for me? How is it that these two men are charged with "murder of an unborn child" and yet abortionists are still allowed to operate? Should it be even across the board? If one man is charged, shouldn't they all be? In both scenarios, an innocent life is being taken- shouldn't the same justice be served??

Welcome to my mind....

2007-06-21T15:02:00.000-04:00

Hello to all who read this- I've started this blog because throughout the typical day I have things that go on in my mind, and no way to release them. This is my release. My topics range from things emotional, to things political, to things that just don't make sense. I just write what's going on in my mind. By reading my posts, you are entering into a part of my world; a part of my mind not seen by many. So, as you journey on...enjoy!